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“I want to talk.”
“I’m busy. Come back next year.”
“How about this,” Lula said. “How about you open this door, or I’ll shoot it full of holes.”
“You can’t do that,” Lahonka said. “This here’s public housing. That’s a taxpayer door. Us taxpayers put in good money for that door.”
“You pay taxes?” Lula asked.
“Not me personally,” she said. “I don’t give money. I just get money. I’m on the good side of that coin.”
“Stand back,” Lula said. “I’m shooting.”
“No! No shooting.” Lahonka opened the door. “Do you have any idea how long it takes to get a new door in public housing? And all kinds of vermin could climb in through those holes. Last time someone shot a hole in my door, I got a vampire bat in here.”
Lula looked through the open door. “You do pretty good for not paying taxes. You got a big flat-screen television and nice furniture. And is that your Mercedes at the curb?”
“I’m a entrepreneur,” Lahonka said. “I’m the American dream.”
“More like the American nightmare,” Lula said.
“Back to business,” I said to Lahonka. “We need to take you downtown to get rebonded. You missed your court date.”
“I know I missed my court date. You already told me that. I’m electing not to participate in the judicial system.”
“You don’t want your kids growing up thinking you’re a scofflaw, do you?” Lula said.
“I don’t know what the heck scofflaw means. Is that Russian?” Lahonka pulled some credit cards out of her pocket. “I can see you two ladies are no dummies. So I’ll make a deal with you. You can each have your pick of all these credit cards if you forget this whole thing.”
“Are you tryin’ to bribe us?” Lula asked. “Because we don’t take no bribes. We got honor. We got integrity coming out our ass.” She looked down at the cards. “Holy smoke. Is that a platinum American Express card? And a Tiffany card? Where’d you get a Tiffany card?”
“Is that the one you want?” Lahonka asked. “You want the Tiffany? That’s a real good choice.”
“I guess I could use a Tiffany card,” Lula said. “Don’t see no harm in taking a Tiffany card. It’s not like I’d have to use it, but it would class up my wallet.”
“She doesn’t want the Tiffany card,” I said to Lahonka. “You’re going to have to come downtown with us.”
She stepped back, slammed the door shut, and locked it. “Bite me!” she yelled through the door.
“Shoot the door,” I said to Lula.
“What about the politely reasoning shit?” Lula asked.
“Just shoot the damn door.”
“You can’t shoot it,” Lahonka yelled. “I’m standing right here behind it, and if you shoot the door, you’ll shoot me. And I’m a unarmed woman.”
“No problem,” Lula said, hauling her Glock out of her purse. “I’ll shoot low.” And Lula squeezed one off.
“YOW!” Lahonka shrieked. “You shot me. You sonovabitch, you shot me in my foot. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna bleed to death. I don’t got no insurance, either. And what about my kids? Who’s gonna take care of my kids when I’m dead? I’m willin’ them to you. You deserve them, you sonovabitch. Let’s see you buy new sneakers every time their goddamn feet grow.”
“Do you think she’s really shot?” I asked Lula.
Lula shrugged. “I didn’t think the bullet would go through the door, but looks like that’s one of them cheapskate hollow jobs. There should be a law against those doors.”
Lahonka ripped the door open. “Of course I’m shot, you moron. What the hell’s wrong with you, shooting a unarmed woman? I’m feelin’ faint. Everything’s goin’ black.”
And Lahonka crashed to the floor.
