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“I need to take you downtown to get your court date rescheduled,” I said to Stanley.
“I don’t want to do that. They’ll put me in jail again.”
“Only for a little while, until you get rebonded.”
“No.”
“You told Connie you’d cooperate.”
“I changed my mind.”
“One of us is going to have to go up there and get him,” I said to Lula.
“I’m only the assistant bounty hunter,” Lula said. “You’re the real bounty hunter. You’re the one what does that shit.”
Stanley had to be close to three hundred pounds. He was a giant, immovable blob. I had no clue how I’d get him down and into my car. If I stun-gunned him he’d roll off the roof and crash to the ground. God knows what would happen when he hit. He could burst apart like a water balloon.
“Listen up, Humpty Dumpty,” Lula said. “It’s not like you’re an attractive sight up there. If you don’t come down I’m gonna take your picture and put it on YouTube. And then I’m gonna put the hose on you.”
“I’ve already been on YouTube,” he said. “I took a leak on YouTube.”
“That’s disgusting,” Lula said. “I’m glad I didn’t see that.”
“Does your mother know you’re out here with no clothes on?” I asked him. “I’m calling her.”
“That’s low,” he said. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll give you some weed if you don’t call her. I got really good stuff.”
“I’ll make you a better deal,” I said. “I won’t call her if you get some clothes on and come downtown with me.”
“I told you, my clothes are all getting washed.”
“How about we cut a hole in your bedspread and punch your head through it,” Lula said. “That should be about your size.”
“You should talk,” Stanley said. “You’re fat!”
Lula’s eyes bugged out. “What?”
“You’re fatter than I am.”
“I am not nearly as fat as you. I’m a big and beautiful woman, and I am not fat. There’s a difference between being big and being fat.”
“Well, you look fat to me.”
“That does it,” Lula said. “I’m coming up there, and I’m kicking your lard ass off that roof.”
A ladder was propped against one side of the garage, and Lula climbed it like she was on fire. She got onto the roof, and Stanley shrieked and tried to scramble away, lost his footing, and fell off the garage.
WHUMMMP!
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He was spread-eagle on his back with a massive hydrangea bush squashed flat as a pancake under him.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Do I look okay?”
“That’s sort of a trick question.”
“I might have broken my back.”
