AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Yeah, but I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure I was guided there by my extra sensoring ability.”
Connie looked past the chicken bucket on her desk to the large plate glass window that fronted the bonds office. “What does your extra sensoring ability tell you about the guy who’s staring in the window at us?”
We all looked out at him.
“Maybe he’s hungry, and he sees this empty chicken bucket only he doesn’t know it’s empty,” Lula said. “He could have a hungry expression on his face.”
He moved from the window to the door and stepped inside. “Stephanie Plum, aka Gina Bigelow?”
“Oh crap,” I said.
“I recognize you from your picture. I hope you don’t mind me showing up like this, but I had to see you. We had this great relationship and then you broke it off. I wonder if we could talk in private.”
“Private isn’t necessary,” I said. “You have the wrong person. We never had a relationship.”
“Where are you from?” Lula asked him.
“Des Moines.”
“I knew it,” Lula said. “He’s Mr. Dildo and Skanky Panties.”
“I’m guessing these are your friends,” he said, “so obviously they know about your problem with the head lice and toenail fungus. It’s not a big issue for me. We can find a good doctor. One who won’t molest you when he examines you. I’m sure that had to be traumatic…even if it did cure your, you know, frigid problem.”
“You gotta love Granny,” Lula said. “She should be writing books.”
“I’m confused,” he said. “Who’s Granny?”
“She’s the woman taking your panties for a test-drive,” Lula said. “You’ve been catfished.”
A red scald started at his collar and rose up his face. “Seriously? You mean, like, lied to?”
He was about five foot five inches tall, in his forties, and balding. He had a spray tan that reminded me of Gulden’s mustard, and I suspected his own shoes hid toenail fungus. He looked like he might be an okay guy if you didn’t set your expectations too high.
“Think of it as a fantasy adventure,” I said.
“Everything you wrote to me was so sincere,” he said.
“I didn’t write to you,” I told him. “Someone borrowed my picture.”
“Yeah, it was her Granny,” Lula said. “Maybe you want to meet her Granny. She’s more fun than Stephanie here anyways.”
“How old is she?” he asked Lula.
“Real old,” Lula said, “but she’s got some kick left in her
. You could get a couple good dates out of her.”
His attention shifted back to me. “I’d rather date you.”
“No,” I said. “Not going to happen.”
“We put your dildo to good use, though,” Lula said. “We hit a serial killer in the head with it. Stephanie might be cat food right now if it wasn’t for that big-ass dildo.”
“Sorry you came all the way from Des Moines,” I said.
“It’s okay. This was a side trip. I’m at a dental convention in Atlantic City.”
“Are you a dentist?” Lula asked.
