AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Barry? Hello?” I banged on the door and tried the handle. “Open the door, and I’ll let you see my blue hair.”
Okay, that was stupid, but I thought it was worth a shot. I had my ear to the door, and I couldn’t hear any sounds inside the house. Strunk was either crouched down, playing possum, or on his way to the back door and his car. I was betting on the latter. I called Lula to tell her to watch for him.
“Don’t worry,” Lula said. “I’m on the job. Nobody gets past Lula when she’s on the . . . what the hell?”
There was a lot of screaming and the phone went dead. I jumped into the Buick, raced around the corner, and turned into the alley. Lula was standing in the middle of the road. She was soaking wet, and the white Taurus was gone.
“I hate this job,” she said. “This job sucks. Who else has to put up with this kind of abuse? Almost nobody.”
“You’re wet,” I said.
“No shit! Some crazy lady turned her garden hose on me. I was getting ready to take down Strunk, and next thing I’m freaking soaking wet.”
“I told you not to get near the truck.”
“Yeah, but I needed a place to conceal myself.”
“Looks like he got away.”
“He almost ran me over. I could be dead now with truck tire tracks on me. What’s with people these days? There’s no consideration. They’d just as soon run over a person.” She shook herself like a wet dog. “I’m done. I’m wet, and I’m cold, and this hand-bedazzled top I’m wearing is dry-clean only. That Strunk is going to be in big trouble if his neighbor ruined my top.”
“No problem,” I said. “I’ll pop the trunk.”
“Say what?”
“You’re going to get in the trunk, right? I mean, you’re all wet.”
“I’m not riding in no trunk.”
“Then you’re going to have to take your wet clothes off. I have vintage upholstery in this car.”
Lula stripped her bedazzled top off, and her massive breasts flopped out.
Eeeek!
“I was just yanking your chain,” I said. “Put the top back on!”
Lula got into the Buick naked from the waist up, and buckled herself in. The retrofitted seatbelt disappeared into her cleavage, and her nipples stuck out like giant Keurig K-Cups.
“It’s better this way,” she said. “I can dry out my top, so it won’t get wrecked.”
“Jeez Louise. It’s not better. It’s . . . distracting. And it might be illegal to flash nipples that big when you’re in a Buick.”
“All the ladies in my family have big nipples,” Lula said. “It’s one of our best features. We got nipples a person could be proud of.” She glanced over at me. “Not that there’s anything wrong with little nipples. I know you got little nipples on account of when we had to chase that guy on the nudie beach, and I got to see your nipples.”
I looked down at myself. I couldn’t see my nipples, but I knew they were there. One more thing to add to the list. Not only did I have a depressing job. Now I had to worry about my little nipples.
“Your nipples are dainty,” Lula said. “You got dainty pink nipples.”
This sounded a lot better than plain old little nipples, but I still wouldn’t mind getting off the whole nipple topic.
“I’m done for the day,” I said. “What about you? Do you have plans for tonight?”
“I’ve gotta work on my blog.”
“You have a blog?”
“Everybody’s got a blog,” Lula said. “Don’t you have a blog?”
