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“Nope,” Lula said. “It’s not the donuts. It’s that I get a workout at the supermarket on account of the beer I like is always on the bottom shelf.”
I stuffed the file into my messenger bag. “Let’s take a look at Miracle Fitness.”
* * *
—
I parked the Porsche in the lot attached to the gym, and Lula and I walked into the lobby. The floor was polished marble, and the reception desk was high-gloss wood. The young woman behind the desk was in black workout clothes that showed she was fitness perfection. A glass wall running across the back of the lobby gave us a view of the fitness equipment and the women using it.
“They must all be beginners,” Lula whispered to me, “on account of none of them look like the bitch behind the desk.”
“I’m interested in a membership,” I said to the woman. “Do you have a list of classes? And I’d also like some information on your trainers.”
“Of course,” she said. “I can give you a packet that will answer all your questions. It will also include a breakdown of our fees and various membership choices. Would you like a tour of our facility?”
“A tour would be great,” I said, taking a glossy pink folder from her.
Four minutes later we were following a guy named Thor.
“This is the Pilates room,” he said. “We have two of them. As you can see there’s a class going on. The second one is almost always free for unsupervised use. Any questions?”
“I got one,” Lula said. “Is Thor your real name?”
“No,” he said. “My real name is Bruce. They make you take a godlike name when you come to work here.?
?
“I got another question,” Lula said. “Are there any more naked statues besides the ones out front?”
“Nope. That’s it.”
We looked in on a Zumba class and a spinning class.
“I couldn’t do that spinning class,” Lula said. “My cooter falls asleep when I ride a bike.”
I have the same problem, but I wasn’t comfortable discussing my cooter with Thor.
“I have a friend who took some classes with one of the trainers here and really liked him,” I said. “I don’t know his name, but he wore red Air Jordans.”
“That would be Zeus,” Thor said. “He’s dead.” Thor moved to the next door. “We also have a room with a heavy bag and a couple speed bags if you’re into that.”
“Whoa, wait a minute,” I said. “Zeus is dead? What happened?”
“Don’t know. They found him behind a dumpster.”
“Who would want to kill Zeus?”
“Probably lots of people,” Thor said. “He was an okay guy, but he messed around. And I think he owed a bunch of people money.”
“Miracle Fitness won’t be the same without a Zeus,” Lula said.
“It’s only temporary,” Thor said. “The new Zeus starts tomorrow.”
“The new Zeus,” Lula said. “That’s like the old Stephanie and the new Stephanie, only instead of changing himself, the old Zeus got dead and replaced. Gives you something to think about when you see how that’s another route to take.”
If Thor was confused, he didn’t show it. He just stood there and calmly waited to continue his tour. Probably he smoked a lot of pot.
“I guess that’s the cycle of life,” Lula said. “Still, seems like it was awful easy to replace Zeus.”
