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“Take all your clothes off,” Emerson said to Vernon. “We’re going to make you into Bigfoot. Then we’ll hide in the brush and wait for an ATV. You can jump out in front of it, and they’ll be so startled they won’t notice us ambushing them from behind.”
“But why do I have to be naked?” Vernon asked.
“When was the last time you ever saw a Bigfoot wearing a Brooks Brothers suit?” Emerson said. “Your nakedness adds to the illusion. Besides, the idea is to gobsmack them into a state of utter stupefaction.”
Vernon looked doubtful. “And my being naked helps to stupefy them?”
Emerson nodded. “It’s essential.”
“Well, okay. I sort of like the idea that I could stupefy people with my nakedness. Regardless of what some people say, I am impressive in my altogether.”
Five minutes later Vernon emerged from behind some bushes. He was naked and plastered with mud. Ferns and twigs were stuck to him, his hair was spiked up every which way, and he had something that looked like a bird’s nest covering his privates. At least Riley hoped it was a bird’s nest.
“So what do you think?” Vernon asked.
“I have no words,” Alani said.
Vernon turned around so everyone could get the full impact. “I’m scary, right?”
Everyone nodded. Truth is when you caught sight of him in a headlamp beam he was downright frightening in a ridiculous, lunatic kind of way.
“I’m sexy too,” Vernon said. “I’m a sexy Bigfoot.”
“That might be stretching it,” Alani said.
“Here’s the plan,” Emerson said. “We wait in the shadows by this ATV path. When I spot them on the iPad, Bigfoot will jump out in front of the ATV and distract them while the rest of us rush the ATV from the sides and overpower them.”
“I hope they come along soon,” Vernon said. “I’m starting to get cold with nothing but mud on me, and it’s giving me shrinkage. It’s hard to look ferocious when you got shrinkage.”
“We have an ATV approaching,” Emerson said. “Everyone take cover.”
Moments later, an ATV carrying two Rough Riders slowly rumbled down the path. The one in the passenger seat had a spotlight he was shining from side to side into the brush.
“I hope they aren’t in a mind to shoot a Bigfoot,” Vernon said.
“Showtime,” Emerson said, shoving Vernon out of the thick vegetation.
Vernon jumped into the middle of the road and ran awkwardly toward the ATV, stopping abruptly in front of it and waving his arms.
“Abugga, bugga, bugga!” Vernon said.
The ATV stopped, and the passenger shone his light directly at Vernon. “What the heck is that?”
Vernon performed some impromptu ungainly capoeira somersaults and kicks for his audience.
The driver grimaced. “It looks like it’s doing some sort of bizarre mating dance. I can see its twig and berries,” he said, pulling out his cellphone and taking a video. “I always thought Bigfoot would have bigger, you know.”
Vernon stopped dancing and raised his arms, shaking his fists and growling.
“You angered it,” the passenger said. “Say something nice about its junk.”
Alani rushed out of the shadows and whacked the driver in the head with a chunk of lava rock while Emerson, Riley, and Wayan Bagus pulled the passenger from the ATV and disarmed him.
“Nobody insults Bigfoot’s junk but me,” Alani said, demonstrating her calf-roping prowess and tying the driver up.
Riley jumped into the driver’s seat of the ATV, and Emerson grabbed the Penning trap and climbed into the seat next to her, holding the trap in his lap. Alani collected the Rough Riders’ rifles.
“Phase two of the plan,” Emerson said. “We haul ass and make a run for the clearing.”
