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“Is your calf bothering you?” she asked with concern.
“No.” I could’ve lied and said yes, which would be the reason for my shitty landing, but I didn’t.
Nothing was worse than being told you couldn’t do something after trying so hard to achieve it. Swallowing back my frustration, I stared at the vault and pictured my landing perfectly. I could do this, I told myself. I’d done it before, I just needed to visualize it and be confident in my abilities.
“You got this, Aid,” Hayden whispered, tightening his wrist brace with a nod. I smiled at him, my face softening.
Another deep breath, and I took off. Round-off, back handspring onto the vault, popped off and I reached to twist. I mentally noted my legs and straightened them, but it was too late at that point. I opened my arms to balance my landing, but I already knew I was leaning too far back and my hips were too low. It was a feeling inside that was unexplainable, but I knew my body and knew I wasn’t going to stick it.
Trying to save it was pointless. I was literally in a seated position and hit the floor just like that, stumbling backwards and falling on the blue mat. Tears welled in my eyes as pain suddenly throbbed viciously through my back. Massaging my side, I felt like crying from being so frustrated and not hitting my marks. Self-doubt was beating me up today and I began to wonder if I was pushing too far.
Madeline sighed. “Go to tutoring and I’ll see you later.”
“Can I try one more time?”
Madeline nodded, then grabbed a mat to stand on. It was the shape of a box and high, leveled with the vault so she could spot me.
Dear God, please let me land this.
Swallowing, I began running, my feet pounded into the ground. I moved into the entry, and then sprang off the vault. Madeline’s hands helped pop the back of my shoulders, lifting me higher in the air to help me set my element. I started rotating, cranking the twist as hard as I could muster to land properly. And by some miracle, I landed—only for another shot of pain to soar through my back, but I sucked it up. Albeit I landed sloppy, my feet hit the floor, not my butt, and that was all that mattered right now. A loud sigh burst from my lips and I closed my eyes in satisfaction, hiding my back pain.
“Again,” Madeline said.
I did it again with her help and landed. Yes! Land was a word I used lightly, but the fact that I was standing upright was what motivated me and gave me that little push to keep going.
After three more tries, she pulled the mat away for me to do it on my own. Nerves wracked me hard and I was suddenly worried I wouldn’t hit it again. It was an irrational fear that coursed through me, I knew it, but it came with the territory. My heart split between being in my throat and stomach. All eyes were on me. Fear and nerves were part of a gymnast’s genetic makeup.
But so was winning.
I had this…I got this…visualize…
Adrenaline pumped through my veins fast as I ran toward the leather apparatus, but apprehension and nerves dominated when I hit the spring board. Fire shot through my back and I panicked in the middle of my rotation and only pulled a full. It was a clean landing, but Madeline glared at me.
Shit.
“You,” she said between clenched teeth, and pointed at me, “get your butt back over there and do the Amanar. Now.”
My stomach dropped. All I could do was nod and start walking. I didn’t have much of a choice.
The urge to pee never really went away, and a wave of pain hit my screaming bladder. It was only ten in the morning, yet this day was going to shit fast. Very little sleep, a burning vagina, and now a raging coach.
And I only had myself to blame.
I did the vault once more and added the stupid twist, but without her push, I barely landed on the tips of my toes. My stomach clenched tight and I gave up and jumped to the side, my calf burning slightly.
Before I could speak, Madeline pointed toward the exit and said, “Go. Come back after tutoring. Maybe you’ll be better after you’ve had a break.”
“Can I try it once more?”
“No,” she heaved a sigh. “Come back later and we’ll work on it again.”
My shoulders dropped in defeat. Turning around, I stared at the ground to avoid the gawking stares while I made my way to the locker room. I was beyond embarrassed with my workout and didn’t want to see the judgmental look in my peers’ eyes.
“Hey Aid,” Hayden called out across the gym. I slowly raised my eyes, afraid to be greeted with a look of pity. Surprisingly, I saw encouragement in his eyes as he jogged over to me.
“Give me twenty and I’ll be done. We’ll ride to tutoring together.”
I smiled kindly. After the shit storm morning I had, Hayden’s bulldoze through life mentality was exactly what I needed.
