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"About eight hours."
"Eight hours! You guys had sex for eight hours?" she yelled. "Who does that! And with someone fresh off the newly broken hymen express!"
I pulled the phone away from my ear at the sound of her high-pitched voice and looked at it. The newly broken hymen express? What in the ever-loving hell was she talking about? Just as I was about to ask her, it dawned on me what she meant.
"Oh my God. We were working on gymnastics skills all day. You're a moron, you know that. A full-fledged moron."
"Jesus fuck. Thank you. There is a God sometimes.” Relief flooded her voice.
"I can't believe you thought we were having sex for eight hours," I whispered, cupping my hand around the receiver. I pulled my knees to my chest. "You're demented," I added for extra guilt, then told her the rest of the story. I even went as far as to confess my darkest, most enigmatic thoughts. I told her how I liked persuading him to do things he didn't want to, that it created a swirling, climbing power inside me to see him bend at the knee. How I nearly made it my goal to push him to the brink of madness, only to watch him surrender and give us both what we wanted, how we wanted it. How I made him talk to me about things on his mind.
Avery was extra quiet by the time I finished.
"Ave?"
"Yeah." She cleared her throat. "I'm here. Honestly, I never know with you anymore. I don't know what to say because I'm concerned it could be the opposite of what you need. When it comes to that man, you're reckless and wild and risky. It worries me." Quietly, she added, "You're a stranger when it comes to him. The things you tell me, I never expect to come from you. I wouldn't even recognize you if I passed you on the street."
I mused over her words, not liking how they hit home. But she was right. I sensed a change in myself and how irresponsible I'd become with him around. It was another reason why I hadn’t wanted him to come over, why I hadn’t wanted to be alone with him any longer. I knew myself and how I would react. He was a temptation I couldn't resist. I was a desire he craved. We were the worst and best kind of combination.
I sighed inwardly and looked up at the ceiling.
"I think I know. The only reason anyone ever changes is because there's more going on. Deeper feelings. Ones not obviously addressed or acknowledged. I think that's what's going on with me and I didn't realize it until you said it. It worries me because when that happens, people become reckless when they're trying to hide something. Eventually, they slip up and every liar gets caught. I have feelings for him, Avery, both good and bad. I don’t know how to shut them off either. I thought I did, but I really don't. There are moments when I need to breathe in the air he expels, but then I want to turn around and suffocate the life out of him at the same time. I don't know what to do," I said softly. "Maybe I'm just not strong enough to combat them."
I shook my head. I was hollow inside. My eyes watered from staring so hard and not blinking. I hated to think for a moment I'd been defeated without a worthy fight, but it's exactly how I felt. Hopeless.
"It really isn't your fault, though. It makes me angry to think that you think it is. The coach knows better. He is a grown adult," she said, enunciating each word. "He didn't have to do anything today, not even bring you home, but he forced himself. He's taking advantage of your naive innocence."
I shook my head vehemently, surprised she would talk with such animosity. It completely caught me off guard.
"He isn't taking anything; I'm giving it to him, Avery. That's the problem. I'm physically and emotionally attracted to this man. I want to be around him all the time. I like learning from him. He teaches me and listens to me. And as much as I try to hate him, I just can't. I mean I do, but I don't. God. I don't know what I'm saying other than there's no taking anything. I swear to you," I whispered, my voice almost taking on a falsetto range. "If anything, it's me trying to take."
"It's too hard for you to see it through my perspective. He didn't have to come over. He didn’t have to stick his hand in your vagina and teach you how to fuck his fingers like a porn star. He's literally teaching you how to fuck and getting you off to encourage more. I feel like there's a motive to everything he does. It's a choice he makes, and you dangling yourself in front of him to play with doesn't help the cause. It's just weird, especially given his age."
I reeled back at her disgusted tone, momentarily speechless. A headache formed at the center of my forehead.
"Pot calling the kettle black?" I became defensive. "What about your older mystery boyfriend? The one I've never met, or even know his name. I have never given you crap about him like you are to me. I gave you my shoulder and supported your decisions. Shelve that attitude for another time. It's not wa
rranted."
"Mine is just under five years older," she retorted, raising her voice. "Not sixteen years like yours. It's completely different."
"It's not."
"Oh, but it is. It was all fun and games at first. I figured since Hayden found out it'd knocked some sense into you. Or when the bastard took you out of a competition, or when he fucks you bare then throws some Tic Tacs your way. How the hell do you know he doesn't have an STD? You don't. Nothing has gotten through your thick skull and it's only a matter of time until you're really screwed. You're lucky Hayden won't speak a word of it…yet. Mark my words, the next time you're caught will be worse. That's how it always happens, Aid. All the lies will catch up to you one day. The thorns will grow longer, and the vines will get so twisted you won't be able to walk out unscathed."
"What if you get caught," I countered.
"No one would care," she scoffed.
"Oh, really? Then why is it such a secret? Who is he?" Avery was silent. I smiled and repeated my earlier words. "See, pot calling the kettle black."
She sighed deeply. "I don't want to argue with someone who believes white lies, and I never want to fight with my best friend. It hurts too much to, but I can't talk to you right now." Her voice sounded as tight as my chest felt. "I have too much going on to add this to my growing pile of shit. Too many people upset with me for the things I've said out of emotion, and I don’t want you to be one of them now. I'm trying to fix things before I jump off a fucking cliff. Just trust me that your secret affair is a million times worse than mine. I'm only trying to look out for you, but I can't deal with this level of stupidity anymore."
Avery hung up, shocking me to the core.
I stared down at my phone, dazed and confused, staggered into silence. I wasn't mad. I didn't have it in me to be upset. Not when I could tell deep down Avery was dealing with something on a grander scale. Something I had no real clue about. She was hurting inside, and that in turn hurt me because she didn't confide in me the way I had her.
A tear slid down my cheek. I relied on her too much. It was selfish of me, and I didn't realize she needed me the way I did her. I was too consumed with my life to recognize anyone else's.
