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"First of all, you need to dye your roots. They're almost black and resemble the color of shit."
She groaned like she was tired of my existence. "Just shut the fuck up and focus on the issue at hand—my bumps, please."
"Only because you said please," I countered and leaned closer to get a better look. There was a trail of pale bumps with a rosy undertone that formed around her ear and down the back of her neck. "It's not bad, just a light allergic reaction if anything. Maybe some prickly heat?"
She whined her complaint. "It itches and won't go away! I've had it for weeks now. How's someone ever going to want to have sex with me again with this?"
"Right…because when you have sex he stares at the back of your ear. Is this a secret spot where you like to be licked or something? If so, then I could see the issue."
Avery started laughing and turned around to face me. "No, but it's on my neck and everything."
"I can't believe you even have sex considering what a Jesus freak you are."
Avery came from an extremely religious family. They attended mass every Wednesday and Sunday and all the holidays, whereas my family never did. We didn't even attend the important ones.
She laughed again. "Of course I have sex. Although, if the next guy I meet is a strong Christian and wants to wait until marriage, I would do that."
"But if he finds out you're not a virgin, are you going to lie and insist that you are? Because lying is a sin, and you've already sinned in the Lord’s eyes by fornicating before marriage. A double sin. And if he's a strong Christian and wants to wait to have sex, chances are he's a virgin. But I guess if you lied about your virginity, he would never know, because I'm sure he wouldn’t know what a broken hymen feels like." I paused, then said, "Basically, you're doomed either way."
Avery was silent as she mused over my words. Her crystal blue eyes twinkled. A slight smirk tipped her lips, and then a full-blown smile followed.
"Oh my God. You're so right! And with all my issues, I'm sure I'd bleed in the middle of it anyway!"
I busted out laughing. "With your luck, that would happen, but that's also what I call winning. The virgin husband would never know and probably think he got lucky with a wife who knows how to have sex the first time."
Avery's head rolled back onto the cushion. She clutched her chest. "Ugh. My life is a mess."
"I think you're overstressed about the possible STD you have spreading on your neck." Avery punched my arm. "Ow! I'm just kidding. Maybe you need to read a book to decompress. And turn up the air at night so you don't sweat. I honestly just think that's prickly heat."
Avery rambled on about books she didn't like and the ones she loved. She was impossible to please, and commented negatively on everything, so I never suggested books to her anymore.
"Hell no," I said when she suggested I read a book she loved. "You have the worst taste in books. Cheesy, clichéd lines that are embarrassing to read. It amazes me you've had a secret boyfriend for so long considering how picky you are. I'm surprised you haven't found something so trivial to pick at to break it off with him." Avery gave me a droll stare. "What? You know I'm right."
"Read one of my books, and I'll read one of yours at the same time."
"I don't even have time to breathe right now, and you want me to read one of your books?" I laughed sarcastically.
"Just give it a try! At least read the sample. I know you'll love it. You just can't give me the satisfaction."
I chuckled. "No, thanks."
"But I always read what you want!"
I gasped jokingly. "No, you don't. You read three pages and tell me you can't read my book because you don't like the hero’s name."
"Well, if his name is Garth, I'm not reading it. There is nothing sexy about a Garth, Adrianna! Nothing. And I know you agree with me."
I started laughing uncontrollably at her tone and reasoning. She had a point, but I also never read about a Garth before.
"If his hair is red, that's a deal breaker for you," I added. "If he's a doctor, a lawyer, a firefighter, hell, if he's the fucking CEO of a billion-dollar company, you would tell me no."
"Excuse me for knowing what I like. A fiery, flaming bright orange head of hair and eyebrows is not hot to me. His pube hairs will be the same color, and I cannot deal with that. Just fucking stop right now, bestie."
A loud laugh burst from my throat as tears blurred my eyes from laughing. Avery joined in, chuckling over her own comments like she usually did. I missed my friend so much and wished in moments like this that we lived closer together again. Between her wicked sense of humor and array of timbre in her voice, this was more than what any book could give me.
"You'd rather read about smelly hobos. I bet that's what you love."
She nodded, agreeing with me.
