AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He shook his head. "The more I write, the more I convince myself of the truth. I feel like it is backfiring on me. My thoughts go deeper and darker and I find myself more lost than ever."
"The truth about what?" I prepared myself for his answer.
He waited a long moment before he responded.
"About Katja. She is standoffish. She does not speak to me like she used to. I find her up at all hours of the night on her phone or lying there awake in silence. She has pulled away from me and it is messing with my head. Things are tense between us. I thought coming here would help since she wanted to, but something is off with her and I cannot put my finger on it. I feel like when two people are in love with one another, they should be completely consumed with each other."
I froze. Everything in me turned ice cold. My first instinct was to pull away, I didn't want to hear how he wanted to be obsessed with Katja. It was appalling and it shocked me to the core. It reminded me of where I stood and what I was to him.
But I couldn't show that. I knew I couldn't, not after I practically begged him to share with me.
"Are you saying you want to be consumed with her?" I hesitated. "Or that you are, and she isn't reciprocating the feeling?" I cringed on the inside, not liking the direction of our conversation.
I chewed the inside of my lip and held my breath waiting for his response.
"You don’t have to answer," I said softly, letting him off the hook.
Kova sighed deeply, shaking his head against mine and tightening his arms around me. "I honestly do not know," he whispered.
"Would it be a bad thing if she wasn't?"
"Yes, it would be terrible. I cannot fathom it."
My heart broke at the dejection in his voice, and for myself. Here we were, wrapped in one another, and his big reveal was that his girlfriend wasn't consumed with him…the way I am.
A thought occurred to me then. I wondered if he yearned for affection more than wanting infatuation with someone. It made me extremely curious, and as much as I wanted to know more, I didn't push.
"Maybe you're projecting." I swallowed down my hurt and tried to ease his mind. "After everything that's happened between us, Kova, it's natural to be paranoid when you're guilty of the ultimate sin."
Kova shifted his legs, then briefly pressed his lips to the top of my head. "I had not thought of it like that, but it definitely makes a lot of sense. I was feeling guilty…because I am guilty. I am so guilty it sickens me. My mind replays everything and my anxiety builds. It is like taking steps up an endless staircase. I have been paranoid as fuck and I did not realize it until you said that word. My gut says she knows, but my head says she does not because there has been no trace of anything. It is just my own betrayal thinking she is unfaithful when she probably is not."
"Have you ever cheated on Katja before?" I asked, but I already knew the answer.
"No, never," he said immediately.
"Have you ever suspected her to be unfaithful?"
"No."
I swallowed and burrowed into him. His body was so warm. There were so many other emotions I should have felt other than the one consuming my heart and smothering me like a black cloud.
I should've been outraged, insulted by his admission. But oddly enough, I wasn't. He wasn't being dramatic or exaggerating, he wasn't looking for pity. Kova spoke from his heart, so I put myself in his shoes and thought about the burden he carried on his shoulders.
It was my fault. Not entirely, but I was a huge reason why he was stressed. He'd never cheated until me, and if I hadn't come around, he might not have.
Empathy was not something I expected to feel for Kova after everything, and it was running rampant through me. Sometimes I forgot he was human too.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry she's been distancing herself from you. I think your mind is playing tricks on you due to our affair. Katja has no reason not to be committed." It hurt to defend her in a way. My head spun from the dizzying emotions flowing through me. I wanted him, but he wanted her.
"She has no one else here, though," he said, his voice full of regret. "So I feel like I am the reason for a lot of things that do not go as planned."
I lifted my head and looked up at Kova. "Stop thinking like that, she has friends. If she didn't want to be in the States and she wanted to return to Russia, would you let her go?"
He hesitated for a bit, and my hands roamed his strong chest as he brushed the blowing strands of hair behind my ear.
"I would never force anyone to be with me. That is not who I am or would ever be." His words penetrated my soul and the memory of something he once said flashed through my head. "I made her a promise long ago, and now I do not know if I can keep it, even though it would be the right thing to do. I am continually stuck between right and wrong."
"No, you would never make anyone do anything against their will, not after it was done to your mother."
