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I stepped closer and placed a hand on his arm. "It matters to me. Last time you said prosti while we had sex and the next day I found out you were married." I couldn't say making love because now I wasn't sure Kova was even capable of love.
"I should not have said it," he said, his voice low.
"You shouldn't have done a lot of things with me, yet you have."
"Ya lyublyu tebya. Ya lyublyu tebya, no eto nichego ne mozhet izmenit'."
I stared at his mouth. "Again."
I wished I didn’t like hearing him speak in his native tongue. I wished I hated the dialect the way I did other languages. The times he'd spoken in Russian to me were times that ultimately decimated my heart. The way his tongue tapped his teeth, how his cheeks hollowed when he spoke, the way his lips moved, there was something to be said about a man who spoke a foreign language in a deep, robust voice.
"You've said that to me before. What did you say?"
"Things I cannot say to you." He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I would love to teach you Russian one day."
One day. Closing my eyes, I shook my head and ignored his last comment. He was diverting the conversation.
"How… How could you marry someone you're not in love with? Explain it to me?" I pleaded again. I couldn't wrap my mind around it, and I didn't see myself letting it go anytime soon.
"Adrianna, how do you break it off with someone you have been connected to your whole life? Over thirty years. That is a long time to let go and never look back. It is not so simple when our history is muddled with secrets and lies and at one time, compassion and love. You want to believe the same person from long ago is still there."
I mused over his words, kind of agreeing, kind of not. I was stuck in between, and since I didn't know the whole story it was hard to form an opinion. Still, it didn't hurt any less.
Yawning, my eyes were suddenly heavy. I chewed my lip as I thought about my next set of words.
"This is not an ultimatum, but after what little you told me, and you stay—"
He cut me off, shaking his head vehemently. Worry circled his green eyes. "Do not do this, Adrianna, please, do not do this. I know what you are going to say, and please, just do not. Not yet."
"Then give me something, anything. You've been so fair to everyone but me. Please."
Kova waited a long minute, his indecisive gaze filled with trepidation. His piercing glare told me he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He either couldn't tell me, didn't know where to start, or flat out didn't want to.
"You know what? Never mind." I brushed the topic away with a swipe of my hand, pretending I didn't care when it was actually destroying me. "I should've known better than to ask you for the truth. You know, you were right. We have made progress, but it seems every time we do, we end up taking ten steps back."
Turning, I headed for the sliding glass door when he called my name.
"You want to start with one of the whys, Adrianna? Start with your mother. She is the root of all evil."
* * *
Start with your mother.
It was all I thought about after Kova left that night. We hadn't had time to talk in between practices, and now I was sitting in the doctor's office once again with time on my hands to overanalyze every aspect of my grand life.
It wasn't like I could call Joy and flat out ask her what she had to do with Kova and Katja marrying. Not after I’d learned she moved out. For Joy, my birth was a constant reminder of my dad’s betrayal. Call me crazy, but I had a hunch that if she didn't talk to me for the rest of my life it would be no sweat off her back.
I definitely couldn't ask my dad about Kova's marriage. That was out of the question, so I was left with too many thoughts flashing through my head and the rapid rushing of paranoia filling my chest. I was drowning in a sea of sharks. The only person I could ask was the one person who didn't want to add anymore destruction to my life. I understood it, but I didn't like it.
The more I thought about it, the more I wished I could go back in time and not ask. I would've waited to demand anything from Kova at this point because all it did was lace me with uncertainty. I shouldn't have pushed but curiosity got the best of me. There were too many doors left open, too many options to choose from, and it seemed like they all led to one answer.
If I wasn't thinking about Joy's grimy hands, I was thinking about how Kova didn't love Katja yet he’d married her out of obligation. Kova not being in love with Katja was not something I ever once considered. It filled my head with so many questions that I didn't know where to start. Nothing added up. Kova wasn't the type to be cornered into anything he didn't want, especially a marriage, and especially not after he’d promised his mother he'd live for the both of them when she died.
Timing is everything, he’d said multiple times, and he was right, but I was hesitant to trust him. The last time I did I landed face-first in the worst heartbreak I’d ever felt.
I sighed inwardly and yawned, feeling a little tired. On top of everyth
ing, I’d started peeing blood and that fucked with my head even more.
