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"How?"
"I can tell by looking in your eyes, at your body. You are trying to stay strong, but your eyes are fighting a war inside and your body language suggests you are extremely tired."
"Yeah," was all I said. He was right. One could tell a lot by just paying attention. "It kind of knocked me down a little, but I'm okay. For once, I really feel okay. I want to give it all I’ve got right now because I know I'll never have this chance again. I want to know that I fought hard. The last thing I want is to wake up the next day with regret. I know it probably sounds silly, but I don't want to miss this moment."
Kova looked at me briefly. He brought our hands to his lips and kissed them before his gaze was back on the road. He held my hand the rest of the drive and stayed quiet until he pulled into my complex. The fresh air settled my stomach and my nerves subsided and all felt right in the world again. Like a peace fell over us where we finally reached a point in our relationship where we were good and nothing could ruin it. We were turning pages.
"Is everything okay?" I asked, concerned when he parked the car and stayed still.
"I simply do not want to say goodbye to you."
Bittersweet. That's what we were. Beautiful butterfly wings that disintegrated to ashes and floated away in the wind.
"Honestly, I want nothing more than to come inside and just be with you, and I cannot. I want to just drive around holding your hand, and I cannot. I want to wake up drinking coffee with you before the sun rises and then go to the gym together, and I cannot." He was quiet for a moment and I didn't interrupt his thoughts. Kova swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing like it was a difficult pill to swallow.
"It is so unfair," he said, still looking ahead. "I am already missing you and you have not even left."
The defeat in his words caught me off guard. I was all too familiar with what he was feeling. Life was unfair. We were unfair. A war was raging inside Kova. He meant what he said and my heart ached for this moment when he was true to himself and his feelings.
"Come on," I said, urging him. "Come with me."
He shook his head. "I cannot. I have to go home."
Softly, I said, "Stay with me. Even if it's just for an hour. We can watch the sun set on the beach." Somehow, I knew he didn't want to sit inside, and somehow, I knew he wasn't looking for sex.
He studied me. I didn't falter under his gaze. The emotion in his green eyes was so thick with misery I thought he was going to tell me everything on his mind.
"Okay," was all he said.
That longing tension grew stronger in the confinement of his car. Our chests rose and fell, mimicking each other's, as we tried to steady our breathing. Whatever this was, he felt it too. I couldn’t explain why, but after this moment, I knew it would never be the same for us.
We got out of his car and took my belongings upstairs. I grabbed a couple blankets and we made our way downstairs and onto the beach to one of the wooden lounge chairs offered to the tenants of the complex. Kova laid a blanket down. He took a seat first then tugged me to his lap. Chest to chest, I curled into his body, my legs tangling with his, and I used his shoulder as a pillow. I sighed in contentment and looked at the gently lapping waves. Kova draped the second blanket around us, then wrapped his arms around me and held me like he never wanted to let go. He pressed his lips to the top of my head, then nestled closer.
Kova instantly relaxed against me, like he could breathe again. Something was going on inside of him and if this was what he needed, then so be it. We both needed it.
It was only us on an ivory sand beach with the sun setting behind the calm waters. It was enough to lull me to sleep.
After a while, he spoke. "Why does this feel so natural?" he asked. "It is the most ordinary thing, something I have taken for granted living
here, though I cannot imagine doing this or being this comfortable with anyone except you. I mean that, Adrianna."
I felt his confusion, how simple and easy this was, yet so hard to process. "I know. I'm trying to figure that out too. I never watch the sunset, but now that I am, it's so peaceful and relaxing." There was something about the whitecaps softly kissing the shore, the way the sun caused the waves to look like diamonds rippling in the distance, the peaceful sound of the vast ocean.
"I wish I could do this every day with you in my arms just like we are right now," he continued, like he was lost in his dark thoughts. I swallowed back my emotion and looked up. The green in his eyes was iridescent against the setting sun and it was startling with his dark lashes. Every time he blinked the hues of green shifted. "All we have is right now. This moment. Tomorrow I will not wake up with you, and tomorrow I will not go to bed with you. I will only have a few stolen hours of the day with you and that is just not enough for me. I want every waking minute to be with you."
I frowned, fear rising in me. I wondered where these feelings were coming from now. The last time he was deep in his feelings, my heart was shattered the following day.
"Kova?"
"Hmm?"
"The last time you were like this, you kept saying prosti over and over while we made love, and the very next day I found out you were married." I paused and licked my lips. "Please tell me it's not going to happen again tomorrow. Please tell me I'm not going to find out something shocking that's going to devastate me. I can't handle it right now."
The intensity in his eyes bore into mine. "I am hiding nothing from you. Nothing, Adrianna. I swear it."
I nodded subtly, accepting his answer. "I'm sorry I asked."
Kova shook his head. "Do not be sorry. I shaped that worry within you and it is my fault. But I swear I am not hiding anything. I am just bitter about the hand I was dealt, that is all. I wish I could change things."
