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Springing off the floor to the last box, I brought my knees up and crouched on top. I smiled a little to myself. It took a little more energy, but I did it.
My smile grew a little bigger. I just had to get my head clear, that's all I had to do. Then everything would be okay.
With the folded mats about seven feet across from each of us vertically, Kova said, "Large hop twice, front tuck onto mat, set. Turn around, hop off, front tuck. Let us go."
Taking a deep breath, I released it and got to work. Two hops and I was rotating forward into the air in a tight ball onto the mat. My feet punched the mat as I landed, and I stifled a low grunt in the back of my throat as pain shot up into my back. My body hardened, waiting for the pain to leave. When a gymnast performed a tumbling pass on the floor, the force of pressure was nine times greater than their weight. When doing conditioning skills like I was, the pressure was half that, but obviously enough to affect me.
I swallowed, almost afraid to land and exhaled through my nose, telling myself it would be okay. The thought of landing on my toes crossed my mind but I knew there was no way of getting it past Kova. He had eagle eyes and saw everything, which sometimes was a curse.
Blocking out the throbbing in my back, I traveled across the floor again, springing off my toes then front
flipping to land flat on my feet. I held my breath and bared down, squeezing every muscle in my body. My abs were rock solid and burning from the stress of holding back the groaning pain.
On the next conditioning pass, this time, the pounding across my lower back intensified, and I clenched my eyes shut hard. My mouth fell open and I let out a gasp.
"I got this," I mumbled to myself.
There was no reason why I couldn’t push past my thoughts or the pain and go on like I always had. I’d come this far not knowing I was sick. I had worked through the side effects the illnesses brought, on top of the Achilles injury, Kova's secret marriage, my torn friendship with Avery, my parents’ impending divorce, and the discovery of my real mother. Even the sadistic camps I had endured. There was no reason not to continue just like I always had. If I got through all of that, I could get through anything. This was just another obstacle I had to overcome so I could move onto the next.
Only, it really wasn't. And that scared me. Because no matter how much I lied to myself, I still knew the truth and it messed with me.
I looked around. I needed to pull inspiration from my surroundings. I was grasping at straws, needing something, anything. My gaze skipped from each teammate until it landed on Kova.
I was already looking for him, but he always found me first. In this moment of self-doubt, with a sea of insecurities growing inside me with each breath I took, the pull was too strong to ignore. I could deny it all I wanted to, but the truth was, I needed Kova, and he knew that.
Chest rising and falling like there were resistance bands holding me back, every nerve in my body was reaching out for him to breathe life into me.
The pain taking over my body frightened me.
He could see that.
The gripping fear caged by my ribs consumed me.
He could see that too.
His eyes flickered with anguish and his body moved to take a step toward me, only for him to falter. Like it was in his nature to protect me.
My heart dropped.
I didn't want him to look at me like he had earlier. I didn't want him to think anything was wrong with me, because there wasn't. I was still the same old Adrianna, only now I came with a label.
No. Scratch that. I didn't want a label.
I didn't want to be known as that sick girl. Labels brought pity and sympathy and restraint from friends and loved ones. A label was a disappointment, and the thought of that was like a burning boulder in my gut. I couldn't bear it.
As much as I wanted to be wrapped in his arms, listening to his comforting words, I didn't want him to help me. I needed to do this for myself and prove that I could get past the mental block. I could do it, I knew I could.
"Stop daydreaming, Adrianna, and get your ass in gear."
I gave him a faux flat glare and playfully rolled my eyes. I knew he wasn't purposely trying to be a jerk. It was just his way of helping me, and I appreciated that.
Holly chuckled under her breath. Leaning into me, she whispered through a guiltless smile, "It's okay. We all daydream about him. Trust me."
I grinned. If she only knew.
I started up again. Each tuck I landed shot a new flame of pain up my back.
"Punch that ground, ladies. Stick that landing and make it tight," Kova said to all of us.
