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"Then can you act a little more—"
"Adrianna, I am not mad. Okay? I just want today to be perfect for you. That is all."
I shut my mouth for a minute and watched as he wrapped my other wrist.
"Kova," I said, hoping he'd see I was serious. For the first time in a while, I was going to open up and tell him how I felt.
I dug deep for the bravado I needed to get my next few words out.
"I feed off your energy. You give me strength, and I need you. I feel like I'm nothing in this sport without you, but seeing you like this… It's messing with me. So, get whatever you have going on in your head straight and give me back my Coach Kova. Please." I paused, then added. "I need you, I need Coach Kova. I can't do this without him."
Ripping the last piece of tape with his teeth, he placed the roll back into my bag and stared at my hands. He picked up the cotton wristbands and slid one on to each wrist without a word. Tension rose in me like the building of a bass chorus.
I held my stomach in. My lungs felt constricted. I'd skipped all my medications this morning hoping the shaking would subside for the day, but my entire body trembled from head to toe. Kova noticed and took my hands in to his, comforting me.
He released a deep sigh and finally lifted his eyes to meet mine. A shadow of remorse cast in his gaze. Closing his eyes, he opened them to reveal his real emotion I was not privy to often. His steel green eyes pierced my heart and caused my lips to part.
"Did you read what I wrote you?"
I nodded and smiled timidly. I'd thought about talking to him about what he said, but I'd yet to bring it up.
Stop with the Coach bullshit.
I had laughed and turned the page, unprepared for his next entry.
When I saw you again after so many years had passed, I did not think you would become this important to me. I did not think you would be on my mind all the time, or that I would want so many things with you that I have never thought to have with anyone else. But you have, and now I cannot imagine you not here in my life. I will never hurt you again. You have my word. Hurting you inflicts pain upon me.
I’d tentatively turned the page again.
I have been thinking of calling you krasivaya instead of malysh. It suits you better.
I eyed him, and whispered, "I like krasivaya."
If I didn't know Kova, or if I wasn't sitting so close to him, I would've missed the slight curl to the corners of his lips.
He shook his head, then looked down before meeting my gaze again. "I am so fucking proud of you and what you have become. I just want you to succeed. It is all that is on my mind. I promise. You have worked so hard to be here. I want today, the end result, to be everything you dreamed of. I apologize for making you feel any sort of way. I never meant to. I guess you can say I am stressed too."
My chest tightened. "Do you think yesterday was just pure luck and I can't place like that again?"
Kova pulled back, slighted by my words. "What? Why would you think that? Of course not. You know that."
I shrugged, then flinched when a photographer took a picture of us. The flash was nearly blinding and left stars dancing in my vision.
"I don't know. All I know is I don't like your energy right now. It's putting thoughts into my head and they're not good. I wasn't lying when I said I feed off you." I prepared to open up even more to him, show him I was being serious. "Some days when I'm really down and not feeling like myself, all I have to do is look for you and suddenly everything snaps back into place. I can't explain it, and I know this might sound cheesy, but you give me life. When I'm feeling weak and incapable or second-guessing myself, you breathe energy into me without even knowing it." I leaned forward and lowered my voice to almost a whisper. "But today, I don't see my Kova, the one who gives me strength. I see someone who is deep in his thoughts and confused and bitter."
His eyes glistened like my words were ones he longed to hear. Like they meant something to him. He was quiet for a moment.
"If I am being honest," he said lightly, his Adam's apple bobbing, "I had a very long night and did not sleep. There is nothing else on my mind but sleep, and you coming out on top. I promise, Ria. I just want the world to see what you are made of."
Ria. I knew the impact that nickname held.
One corner of my mouth tugged to the side. I felt a little shy now. "You and me both. My dad snores. Even with the door shut it's like a freight train coming through the room. At least you don't snore. I sleep like the dead when I'm with you."
My eyes widened, my cheeks blushing with embarrassment. Kova's head dropped and his back vibrated with silent laughter.
"You cannot say those things here, Adrianna." He looked up, his eyes flashing with amusement.
"I didn't mean to! It just came out." My voice was a high whisper.
