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What I did worry about was having no outlet to wear myself down to the bone the way practice allowed me to.
During all the research I'd done on lupus and kidney disease, many patients had reported their bodies aching more when there was a drastic change in the weather. I found it laughable someone would claim the weather affected their body, but then I thought about how I’d felt when I woke up this morning, and yesterday morning, and realized I had too felt it.
"Earth to Adrianna. You okay?" Madeline asked, eyeing me with concern.
"Yes," I answered, and yawned. "Why do you ask?"
Madeline took a bite of her banana and chewed slowly. I couldn't have those anymore, not unless I wanted to aggravate my kidneys.
"You're using the wall to hold you up. I thought you were about to fall asleep standing there."
"Oh." I smiled timidly, and shifted on my feet to stand straight. I'd been practicing with her all day. "I'm fine. Just taking a water break," I said, and gave the half full bottle a little shake. My throat was sore and my voice raspy when I answered.
"Alright… I'll meet you at vault. Don't keep me waiting too long. Use the bathroom, eat a protein bar, do what you gotta do, because we'll work for the next three hours or so straight."
"I won't," I said.
I perked up a little at the thought of getting worked to death. That meant no time to think about anything else.
Happy with my response, Madeline turned around. I watched her walk away, my gaze trailing her footsteps until she made an abrupt turn and my gaze latched onto Kova.
Rooted in place, I leaned back against the wall again and watched closely as Kova instructed the men's team. I hadn't trained with him today, or yesterday, and it felt strange. Foreign really, and I missed it more than I’d realized. I felt lost without him next to me.
A few days ago he'd paired me with Madeline to fine-tune skills she had a niche for, and we hadn't talked since. Not even when it was time to leave. All I got was a quick hello and goodbye. I’d hoped we would today, though. At least once before he closed World Cup for the storm. He was the only one I actually wanted to talk to, even if it was just for a few minutes. I'd take what I could get with him.
I couldn't take my eyes off him. He didn't know I was watching as his back was turned to me, but I stared. Even through the supportive way he coached the boys’ team, I knew him well enough that I could sense something was on his mind. He appeared positive and reassuring, but then he turned around to pick up a thick landing mat, and I saw everything. I saw the dark circles under his eyes, the grim, firm line of his mouth. How the space between his brows was permanently creased with lines.
He looked much older than his thirty-three years.
Dragging the mat so it was centered beneath the rings, he dropped it with a loud smack and a cloud of chalk lifted around it. He scrubbed a hand down his scruffy jaw. His hair was a disheveled mess. The black hat he loved to wear was nowhere in sight. Kova looked as withdrawn as I felt.
He turned to the side and spoke to the men's team using his hands and giving examples of what he suggested they do.
I’d noticed he'd been at the gym longer than I had this week. He arrived before I did and left after. I frowned and drank the rest of my water. Had he even gone home?
Thunder cracked across the sky, the rumbling felt beneath my feet, and I jumped, grabbing my chest. I turned around and looked through the giant glass window at the thunderstorm rolling in. Large pellets of water came down hard and fast, the sound of the rain hitting the tin roof reminded me of a rainforest. It was oddly peaceful but then the sky darkened to a hazy gray and the world seemed to dim around me. My vision blurred and my lungs constricted. I
loved the rain, but that impending feeling of doom curled through my chest again like it had early this morning. I was beginning to feel trapped inside myself. A tear leaked from the corner of my eye and I quickly wiped it away.
"Adrianna! Get moving!" Madeline shouted across the gym and clapped her hands obnoxiously. I looked at her, then shot a passing glance at Kova. I held my breath.
He was already watching me, which meant he saw me wipe the tear.
Twenty
My palms burned like hundreds of fire ants were chewing on my skin, and my inner thighs were chafed from the thick rope.
I clenched my body, constricting every muscle I could to climb up and down the coarse rope. I'd alternated between crunches and rope climbing for the last thirty minutes, utilizing every ounce of energy I had.
As my toes reached the floor, I let out a sigh of relief. I had thirty seconds until I was climbing back up. I was almost done with this round of conditioning I’d created for myself. The last thing I had to do was run, then I would be locked inside my condo for the next day or so. Hopefully sleeping the whole time.
"It is time for you to go home," Kova said, his voice flat. He was at the bottom of the rope waiting for me when I got down.
I glanced at him. His hands were propped on his hips and he wasn't smiling. Stern, he was trying to make a point, but I turned away and ignored him. I sat on the floor and laid on my back, then I placed my hands behind my head. Tightening my stomach, I pulled myself up to a sitting position.
One. Two. Three…
Kova dropped to his knees and held my feet down. "Adrianna."
