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Tears instantly climbed the back of my eyes and I sniffled. I didn't want to cry, not after what we’d just shared but I couldn't stop it from happening either. Kova was worried about pregnancy. While I appreciated that, it also hurt because after what I’d discovered, having children one day seemed like another dream that I might not ever reach.
"Ria? What is wrong? Am I hurting you?" Kova pulled out and wrapped me in his arms, nestling me to his chest. We laid face to face on our sides with the blanket around us. Intimate. Like we'd done it every night of our lives.
"No, not at all."
He frowned, and a tear slipped from the corner of my eye from the reality of my situation.
I looked into his eyes and my jaw trembled. "It will be incredibly difficult to get pregnant with my illnesses. I think it's why I never did before. All those times we had sex, and when I took the Plan B, sometimes I took it late. Thank God I didn't get pregnant, but I should have." I paused and sadness cast in his eyes. "So you coming inside me doesn’t worry me at all. Of course I'll get Plan B tomorrow just to be safe, but I'm not concerned like I used to be."
Twenty-Seven
His brows bunched together. "I do not understand. What do you mean?"
"I mean because I have both lupus and kidney disease. I'm stage four, Kova. Both mess with fertility, so it'll be a struggle to get pregnant. Everything I've read and learned so far tells me that, and it makes sense now, given our history." I glanced at his neck, my fingers moving over the plump vein and pressing on it softly. "I think I've been sick for a while, years, only I just didn't know it, so both illnesses went untreated and caused irreversible damage. That's what happens and what I've been reading about. Think about it. Why did I not get pregnant? Not that I wanted to—I would've had an abortion—but I should have. We never used condoms—"
Kova cut me off.
"You know what I think?" he asked soothingly. "I think things happen for a reason, the way they are meant to. Just because you did not get pregnant does not mean you never will. Maybe there is a bigger plan for you and that is why."
"A bigger plan… Like, God? I'm not sure I believe in God. Especially not after everything that's happened."
His frown deepened. "You would have had an abortion?" he said gently but seemed upset over it.
"Yes," I said without hesitating. I frowned. At least I thought I would. Now I wasn't sure. "Why do you seem bothered by that? I thought you would be relieved."
Kova rolled me onto my back and leaned over me. He kissed my tears away and brushed back the hair that was matted to my face.
"Do you want me to be honest?"
I nodded, and Kova sighed then exhaled.
"Do I want you to get pregnant and have a kid? That is a firm fuck no. A child would ruin our lives right now. However, I would never tell you to get an abortion. Yet hearing you say that you would have for some reason does not sit well with me. I know it does not make sense. It is your life and your choice. Your body is your body and I would never tell you what to do with it." Pressing a quick kiss to my lips, Kova continued. "Listen to me. You took those pills at the correct time, Ria. I made sure of it. That is why you did not get pregnant, not because of your illnesses. Did it worry me in the past that there was a chance you could get pregnant? Yes. I have never been so reckless with anyone in my life. I have used protection, so it did panic me a bit, especially given our situation and ages. But I do believe you will have a child one day, Ria. It would be a crime if you did not pass along all the amazing qualities you have."
My jaw trembled and before I could stop them, lone tears slid down my temples. I hoped one day that would happen.
"One day at a time," he said, and I nodded.
Cupping the side of my face, Kova leaned down and kissed me softly, taking it slow and spilling his passion into me. This was the last thing I’d expected to happen, and yet I wasn't mad at myself for caving after I’d sworn up and down I never would again. Had it been two months ago, it would've been a different story. But things changed. Maybe it was time I let go and accept what he said was the truth, that he had no choice in the marriage. I'd like to think Kova had more power in such a situation, but there were so many questions I wanted to ask before I jumped to any conclusions.
Pushing into him, I rolled Kova onto his back and straddled his hips. I sat up and without asking, I looked into his eyes and reached between us for his length and positioned him at my entrance. I sank down until my clit rested on his mound. Kova seemed pleased as our bodies infused together, a rush of heat flowed through me as I felt him swell. I didn't understand all these feelings hitting me other than I felt good for once and I didn't want it to end. Tonight, I would just let go and feel.
My teeth sank into my bottom lip and I moaned knowing it wouldn't be long. Hands skimming my thighs to my hips, Kova
helped guide me. My hips rotated back, forcing my clit to drag back and forth over his pubic hair. Little sounds escaped me and I fell forward, bracing myself on his stomach to hold myself up. It already felt too good and I hadn't even shifted to slide up and down, I was just taking his length and indulging myself on him. I attempted to wait for Kova, but it was a struggle while I fell deeper into the decadence. Something that felt this intense was easily addicting.
"Am I hurting you?" I asked.
Kova let out a sexy chuckle. "Impossible," he said, then helped me reach the point of no return. He hardly pulled out, just little thrusts, as I rocked harder on him. "Let go on me," he said.
I shook my head, eyes closed as I tried to fight the orgasm off. "I want you to come with me."
"Do not worry about me. I am far from done with you."
Opening my eyes, I glanced down and took Kova's body in. The firm planks of abs, his pillowed pecs and dark nipples, and the A I’d carved into him was enough to make me see fireworks. I stared at the letter and released myself on him, teeth biting into my lip as I squeezed his shaft and came so hard it took my breath away.
My body weak, Kova sat up and cupped the back of my neck. I breathed into him, finally feeling like I'd been sated. Like a huge boulder had been lifted from my shoulders and I could find a moment of absolution.
He pressed his lips to my forehead, and said, "You know I can feel your pussy contracting around my cock?"
