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I laughed and shook my head, then slid down his body to stand.
Kova kissed my lips. He pulled his shorts up, but not all the way. I had a partial view of the width of his cock peeking out. I licked my lips. He was too sexy for his own good.
"I like this look on you," I said and rubbed his light mound of hair. With each passing moment I spent with Kova, I found I had a little less modesty.
He brushed my hand away, veiling a grin. "Now that we have worked up an appetite, let me finish cooking for us." He smirked, then slapped my ass as I walked away.
Before I sat down, I walked to where all my medicine bottles were lined up. I studied them, hating that I had to take so many pills and that I had to do so for the rest of my life. I wasn't sure what would happen since I’d missed a dose—hopefully nothing too extreme. I wasn't sure how much more I could handle.
"Don't watch me," I said quietly when I felt the weight of his gaze on me.
I uncapped a bottle and poured out two capsules.
Kova handed me his water glass, stirring the food on the stove with his other hand.
"Want to talk about it?"
I downed the first two capsules without looking at him, then I opened the next bottle.
"Not yet."
"I will take it. That is better than a no."
I stared straight ahead, trying to figure out a way to avoid this conversation. I took the next set of pills.
"You already know everything, Kova."
"But I did not hear it come from you."
I turned toward him, frustration simmering below the surface. Kova turned off the stove and looked my way.
"Why do you need to hear it from me?" I asked. "To hear that I'm scared? That I don't know when I'll be stage five and that terrifies me? I'm fragile right now, okay, Kova? Not talking about it is the only way I can deal with it."
Kova's voice softened. "I am asking so I can feel what you are feeling. So I can get inside your head and see where you are, what I can do to help you. I told you, we are a team. I exhale, you inhale. I want to hear from your lips what is going on in your head so I can get on the same level as you and understand. You do not have to do it alone."
My jaw trembled. I hadn't expected that or the compassion in his eyes or for it to wrap around my heart. It moved me to observe him with a little more kindness. He was trying, just like I was.
"Do you want to talk about Joy, your wife, and the way they blackmailed you into marriage?"
"I know it seems that way, but yes, I do want to talk about it. I am not ready to discuss the fact that both the women in our lives are dirty little serpents, but I do want you to know why I married Katja and that it was not something I wanted."
"But at one time you did. One time you wanted to marry her and planned to," I retorted, then cringed, wondering when I would let that go.
"Yes, I did. I even bought the ring for when the time was right."
My burning heart dropped into my stomach and I sighed, looking away. "I hadn't known that. I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry."
"Do not be sorry. I really want us to be open with each other," he said, and I narrowed my eyes at him. He chuckled. "I am a work in progress, but I promise I am trying. I just want to focus on you right now."
I chewed the inside of my lip in contemplation and finally nodded. "I feel like I'm taking another huge risk for you, Kova. One hand is saying trust you, the other is saying run far away. Please, do not lie to me ever again. I honestly don't know if I could handle it if you do."
Regret weathered him. "I am eternally sorry for what happened and the way I handled things. I did and said a lot of things I didn't mean. It was not right and I am not making excuses for my actions, but I was backed up against a wall. Once you know everything, then you will understand. At least, I hope you will."
Turning back toward the bottles lined up against the wall on the counter, I stared at them, hoping they would give me a sign or an answer to the questions in my head and the feelings in my heart that I tried to ignore.
Reaching for the third bottle, I uncapped it and dumped the pills into my hand, then threw them back and swallowed them. Only four more bottles to go. At this point, I didn't have much left to lose.
Thirty-One
