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Though I was pretty sure my stomach was empty, I couldn't stop hurling. My hair stuck to my face and snot dripped from my nose. I tried to shove at Kova's bare chest but I got nowhere. He wasn't budging.
"Go away," I choked out. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
"Let me help you," he said sympathetically.
Thankfully, Kova did what he was good at and ignored my pleas.
He pulled my hair back, making sure to get the strands that were stuck to my damp face. Some of the tips had dipped into the vomit and I was instantly hot all over. Kova flushed the toilet, and a little mist hit my face. My teeth gnashed together as I tried to fight throwing up again, but it didn’t help. Eyes clenched shut, I leaned deeper into the bowl, unavoidably inhaling the rancid water as my body trembled violently. The back of my neck burned. Little pebbles of moisture beaded my tepid skin as I broke out in a sweat. Slowly, I opened my eyes only to realize it was a huge mistake because I vomited one more time.
Kova held my hair back with one hand and rubbed my back with his other. He flushed the toilet, then handed me a washcloth. I wiped my face, gagging.
When I was positive there was nothing left in my stomach, I shut the lid and folded my arms over it to rest my head. I couldn't get up. Everything felt swollen—my eyes, my lips, my body, my feet. I felt like I had a fever. I was uncomfortably bloated and a little pulse thrummed under every square inch of my skin. I felt so incredibly weak down to my bones. I just wanted to crawl into bed and hibernate under the covers. Kova took the wash cloth from my hand and gently dabbed and wiped the side of my face and neck as I stared at the wall in a daze.
"Thank you," came out in a broken whisper. My throat burned. "There's nothing worse on this planet than throwing up in front of someone. I'm sorry."
"Nonsense. It is normal and does not bother me. But I think you may have spewed your pills."
My eyes fluttered. "I feel disgusting." I licked my parched lips and I became nauseated all over again. As if he read my mind, Kova stood and turned on the shower.
"I think you look beautiful as always."
I almost laughed.
Using every ounce of willpower left in me, I held onto the wall and used my thighs to stand. Despite all the muscle in my body, I was useless. A few steps and I was in front of the shower reaching to feel the warmth. The heat engulfed my face and I sighed in content, feeling a little better. I loved steaming hot showers.
Drained with barely any energy to stand, I looked at myself in the mirror right as I reached to pull my shirt off and caught sight of my face. Christ on a stick. Mascara streaked my face like a badly designed maze. My full lips were abnormally swollen and red, and my eyes were puffy and bloodshot.
Exhaling a sigh, I tugged on the seam of my shirt and attempted to pull it over my head, but I was too faint and didn't have the strength. Kova walked back in just in time to see my struggle and took over. I didn't object. He gently pulled the shirt off, then dropped it to the floor.
Steam filled the bathroom. I glanced down. My stomach was caved in, hollowed, with a steep slope toward my ghastly protruding hips. I knew I'd lost a ton of weight due to the illnesses, but it was something I’d learned to ignore.
A hiss flew from his lips with a subtle shake of his head. "Ria," Kova whispered in disbelief, the back of his hand grazing down my pelvis. "I did not notice before."
He was concerned at the sight, and quite frankly, I was too now that I finally let myself look in the mirror.
"I'm fine. Just help me, please," I said, reaching out for him.
"You are too small," he said more under his breath than to me. I pursed my lips together. I hated to hear the pity that was conveyed in his voice. "I do not like this, Ria. You are wearing yourself down too much."
"Kova, please," I said, shutting him down.
He wasn't wrong, but I didn't want to hear it. I knew I was wearing myself down too much, but I told myself this was what I wanted and what I needed to do. I didn't want to be treated any differently, especially not now. My dream had become an addiction, and I'd willingly done anything and everything to achieve that high, now more than ever. I may have destroyed myself in the process, but I wasn't going to stop. I was too close to the pinnacle of victory. There would be no change come tomorrow.
I stepped under the waterfall spray and closed my eyes. The heated water felt heavenly as it prickled down my skin. There was just something about a scorching hot shower that I loved. Squeezing a dollop of shampoo into my hand, I began washing my hair, but was suddenly overcome with fatigue. There was a rumbling in my stomach and the bubbles were popping again. I wasn't sure why was so sick, or why I felt the way I did now. It was a probably a culmination of things and I knew moving forward I’d have to make sure I was more careful about myself. My arms fell to my sides and I exhaled in a huff. I just wanted to go to sleep.
The glass door slid open and I looked over my shoulder. My heart soared as Kova stepped under the water until his chest was pressed to my back. I was so grateful.
He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and I leaned back and took in a moment of harmony. He dropped a light kiss to the top of my head. Kova brought a sense of security that I soaked up each time and never questioned. A peace in me that I just rolled with that no one else ever gave me.
The water around our feet ran pink from the dried blood. I'd forgotten we both had it on us. We rinsed and lathered each other, and I made sure to be gentle around the A while I cleaned him. Kova washed me in the most affectionate way possible. He took care of me like he was devoted to me…and I let him. Because it felt right. Because it didn't occur to me to not let him. Because within these walls, it felt normal for us to be and feel what was natural between us, regardless of age.
Thirty-Two
Coach or not, Kova was the only person who gave me this soothing comfort, making me feel like everything was going to be okay.
I needed his strength right now. I didn't care that he had a wife or that there was a hurricane outside. Maybe that made me selfish, but when it came to Kova, my heart beat only for him. My accomplishments were for him just as much as they were for me.
God, I hated being so emotional. Everything was rising to the surface and I couldn't stop it.
