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It was a week into the New Year, and just like the year before, a padded envelope arrived. Only, this time it looked bigger. I rushed into my condo and ripped it open. He’d sent four journals this time.
My Dearest Malysh,
I am a man still in love with someone I have no right to love.
X
Kova
I was so engrossed in his writings that I hadn’t noticed two hours had passed. I needed to eat something and take my medication before I was due to meet my personal trainer. I'd started competing again months ago, but these days I didn't push myself in the gym like I used to. My body simply couldn’t handle it. Instead, I played it smart and when I felt worn out, I stopped and took a break. Thankfully my coaches were understanding and didn't ridicule me otherwise.
Before I left, I decided to read a few more entries. I couldn't not, knowing I had a long night ahead of me. Even though I'd been taking my training slower than I wanted to, it still wore me out. I knew once I got home I would crash and I wouldn't be reading anything else.
However, that all changed when I picked up the third journal. I canceled my training session, knowing I would be in no position to work out. I wasn't prepared for the way his entries switched from him writing about how he felt and his life, to writing directly to me.
I found myself in a sea of emotion and longing. My chest ached and tears gathered in my eyes as I continued reading his entries.
As you know, I sold World Cup. I cannot even walk inside the gym without thinking of you, despite Madeline and Danilo requesting for me to come back. I have not coached since you left. I cannot bring myself to. It reminds me too much of you. Of us. You are everywhere I look inside of that gym. The day you left you took every part of me with you. I am now an empty shell of a man and nothing more.
I rushed the divorce with Katja because I was afraid of losing you rather than leaving her on my own when I wanted to, before it all came to a head. I made rash decisions when it came to us being together, always assuming I was doing the right thing. I acted out of fear instead of consideration. I know now by doing that, I never truly saw you. It kills me that it has taken me this long to finally grasp what you meant when you wanted me to put us first. I thought I was. I only wish I had understood when you were still here with me.
I know now that I am not half the man I thought I was. You trusted me with your heart, your body, and your soul. You showed me unconditional love, and what did I give you? Nothing. I gave you nothing but painful memories and tears that soaked your pillowcase at night. You must know I have a plan to fix all of the damage I have caused you.
Every day I miss your touch. Every minute I miss hearing your voice. Every second I hold out hope for us.
One thing I refused to miss was your return to the sport that brought us together in the first place, so I came and watched you. I purposely hid from you, but I was there in the stands as you lit up the room with your passion for gymnastics. You only competed on bars and floor. O bozhe, what a sight that was to see you again. I watched you. I watched the people watch you with nothing but awe on their faces. I am so proud of the gymnast you have become. You left a mark on your teammates and the spectators that day, the same way you left your mark on me.
It was then that I realized I needed to fix me before I came for you. What I am saying is, I need to find me too in order to be enough for you. I must work on myself to be a better man. I wish I could have you by my side as I figure out who I am, to help me fight this battle raging inside of me to find the truth, but you have already done so much for me, and if you can do it on your own, then I can too. Do you remember when I told you that you inspire me? That has not changed. Your strength gives me strength. I admire the fuck out of you. I was a wreck when you left, but you leaving was the right decision, and the best thing you could have done, not just for yourself, but for me as well. I am glad you left even though every damn second without you makes for a very lonely, miserable world.
I will come for you, but only when I am the man you need, one you can be proud of. One that will never hesitate to put you or our love first. Until them, I will take the time I need to work on myself to be good enough for you, and then, only then, will I come for you. That is a promise I intend to keep. You were once a reflection of me for a short period of time, but now I want to be a reflection of you for the rest of my life. I will come for you, Malysh. And once I have you, I will never let go. I just pray you accept me and have not lost hope in us before then.
I am a man of many flaws and too many sins to atone for. The regret I live with on a daily basis eats away at me. I pray one day you have it in you to forgive me for how badly I have treated you. I will not make excuses for my behavior. I will own them and face them like a man. We had many odds working against us. I just hope I did not chase you away forever. Please, you must know, it was never my intention to cause you pain. I do not want to lose you. You are my other half, and well, I need you in order to be me. I am not whole without you.
You say I left an indentation on your heart. You have done the same with mine.
I see it every day when I
look in the mirror.
It is us against the world. I took you for granted, but I promise you I will never do that again. Please just give me a little more time. If you send me away when I come, then I will respect your wishes, but I pray that is not the case.
Until I see you again.
Ya lyublyu tebya vsegda I naveki.
I never contacted him after receiving the journals last year, and still I wouldn’t contact him after getting these. The ball was in his court. It was his move to make. He’d said he would come, so I would wait for the day he decided to show up.
I think back to his entry of how he felt the decisions he made in moments of fear were right at the time. His regret suffocated me. They were right for him, and maybe a little for me. He shouldn't have regret because I too had made decisions in the moment thinking they were right. It was a sweet-and-sour taste on my tongue. My decision to leave wasn't one made out of fear for him or us…I had done it for me. Okay, maybe a little for us. It was a moment of clarity I knew we both needed. If I had acted in fear, then I would not be in Oklahoma now.
He said he gave me nothing. But he was wrong. He helped give me my dream…and myself.
Sixty-One
Three Years Later
I stared up at the screen and awaited my score. My veins filled with electricity and my knees were shaking with adrenaline. My smile was plastered across my face. I'd been competing for two years now, but this was my first televised meet since the Olympics, and I was a ball of nerves. I wanted to prove I still had what it took to be on the team, but it was hard when I knew all eyes were on the girl battling kidney disease and lupus. The support this university, my teammates, and my incredible coaches showed me was invaluable. I competed my heart out. That was my gift to them for what they gave me.
Since officially returning to the sport, my worries were laid to rest once I had sat down with my coaches and we devised a safe plan for me to compete. Committing to Oklahoma was the best decision I ever made. I was iffy when it came to the bigger competitions because I was scared to fail and let my team down. They all reassured me that if they didn't believe in me they wouldn't let me risk it. He'd always told me I shined under pressure, but I didn't have him here with me and I wasn't sure I could pull it off again without his words of encouragement. My new coaches were stellar, I wouldn't complain, but they weren't him.
