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It wasn’t until I'd fallen asleep and woken before our expected arrival, did Dad finally decide to speak to me.
"I've thought a lot about the things you said to me the other night. It stuck with me," he said, angling his body toward mine. He held a glass of whiskey in one hand. Sometimes he was nicer when he drank alcohol. "I've spoken to Sophia about it too. I'm sure she's ready to sew my mouth shut." I smiled at him, though it was small. "She reminded me that girls' emotions are heavier and deeper than boys', that your heart beats differently when you're…in love." He stopped and glared out the window, then looked back at me. "Adrianna, do not mistake him being here for anything other than him coaching you at a gymnastics meet. Nothing more. Sophia is not encouraging you to be around Kova, but she is a huge reason why he's here. I can't say that I don't agree, but I don't like it."
All I could do was nod my head furiously. Dad was finally telling me all the things I’d stressed about in my head.
"I'm not okay with this," he continued, "and I never will be, so don't forget that. I'd rather he not be here or within a thousand-mile radius of you, but I also don't want to be the one to ruin this opportunity for you by changing up your usual schedule. I thought having any coach with you wouldn't change a thing, but after speaking with Madeline too, she made it clear it's not the same."
I wondered when he spoke to Madeline and what they spoke about. Did she call him to say I wasn't giving my all this week? She couldn't have said I slacked, but I was a little slower…and I was withdrawn and feeling really far away mentally. Being my normal self required too much from me at the moment. I was suffering inside, and I didn't have the energy to fake it, so I didn't. I just kept to myself and tried to turn off everything else. I needed to stow my energy wisely. I had more than an injury and an illness trying to pull me down. I wondered if that was what she told him and why he had a change of heart.
"Does she know about the lupus and kidney disease? And…and what happened?"
I waited with a tight breath.
"No. She just updated me on how your arm was doing, among other things."
I exhaled. "Thank you."
Dad took a sip of his drink, finishing the contents, then signaled to the flight attendant for a refill. "Adrianna… That night, with your arm…"
Instinctively, I hugged my sore arm closer to my side.
He regarded me with grief in his eyes, then turned his gaze forward. "It makes me sick to think of the real damage I could've caused. I hate myself for it. I could’ve broken your arm." He dipped his chin and angled his head toward mine. "What you said about having to walk away from all of this for good struck a chord with me." Dad paused. "You’ve worked hard, you deserve this. What you're about to accomplish with your health in the state that it is, is monumental." His eyes softened with pride. "Despite the things I've said to you lately, and what's happened, I want to see you smiling out there, doing what you love to do. We only get one life, Adrianna. I don't want to lose you."
Tears threatened to spill as I took in my father. There were prominent lines around the corners of his mouth, and dark circles hung beneath his eyes. He'd turned so haggard looking from this nightmare. My illness, my relationship with Kova, everything, it had all thrown a curveball his way.
I leaned into Dad, wrapping my free arm around him. He reciprocated the hug. Sometimes less was more, and in this moment, I felt that.
"Thank you, Dad."
Sixteen
Yawning, I stepped from the car in my World Cup sweat suit and laid the duffle bag strap across my chest. It was day one of competition and I started it with a low-grade fever, stiff joints, and a lot of shit on my mind. I had a hotel room to myself, which Dad hadn’t been happy about. Thankfully, Madeline had reminded him of the rules. Gymnasts weren't allowed to communicate with family or friends the night before. It helped to prevent outside noise from messing with our heads before the meet.
I stepped over the threshold into the main arena. Cool air enveloped me, invigorating each fiber in my body. My eyes were everywhere, trying to take in the room all at once. The place was gigantic and easily housed thirty thousand people. There were massive rectangular banners hanging across the second floor in the middle of the room from the previous years. I blinked in disbelief, not quite grasping I was at the Olympic Trials. So many great hopefuls were in this room. I was among the best of the best in the entire country. I inhaled a deep breath and drew the trace of chalk into my lungs. I held it and smiled to myself. My love for the sport was finally overcoming the shitstorm in my head and taking over.
Following Madeline, I maneuvered through a maze of leotards and slicked back ponytails to look for Kova. I wouldn’t deny the fact that seeing him spurred a trail of excitement through me. I’d hoped to see him, or at least talk to him last night, but Dad had quickly doused that with his threat to stick a piece of tape on my door to know if I’d snuck out.
"This is such an exciting day for you. Kova mentioned changing the dismount on one of your routines because of the recent rule change."
I nodded… Then I spotted Kova before he saw me.
His h
ead was bent as he scribbled something onto a yellow legal pad. His wide stance and beautifully carved shoulders combined with his commanding aura capitulated my heart into my throat. He was in the zone and I loved that. It did strange things to my heart. Would the sight of him ever get old? Or would it increase over time?
"Adrianna's here. I'll see you in a few, Kova. I’m off to get an updated schedule of events," Madeline said, then sprinted off in the other direction.
I drank him in, not worried in the least that someone would see the way my love for him shone. His hand slowed, and he stilled. I chewed on my lip waiting as a veil of familiarity brought me home.
He lifted his eyes, and I caught the faintest curl at the corners of his lips.
"Malysh."
Warm-ups had been tough, both physically and mentally. By sheer determination and stubbornness, and a strong bout of tunnel vision, I got through them. Anytime my hips had swiveled a little more than necessary to one side, shooting pain would spear my pelvis, robbing me of breath. And the pressure and pounding my elbow had taken with every tumbling pass or vault felt like someone had taken a hammer to it. The pain had been nauseating. But I’d grinded my teeth and kept going.
Now, as the competition was in full swing, I watched all the young gymnasts who seemed free from restraint and moved as fluid as water, and it messed with my head a little.
"Where did you go?" Kova asked, breaking my thoughts.
