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I glanced down at the book again, curious about the pages inside. Sophia was offering her guidance when I'd never really been given any from either parent. Dad was always working. I’d assumed most fathers were like mine since I hardly ever saw any dads at practice, it was always just moms. Joy was another story entirely and not someone I ever asked advice from.
Listening to Sophia brought on a wave of melancholy. A longing. I'd never say I was neglected. I most definitely wasn't, but I had been easily overlooked by both parents with their assumption that I would figure it out. The thought of having a parent figure to come to with questions would've been nice. I mean, just one who wanted me around would've sufficed. I would've taken anything, really.
The creases between my eyes deepened. Even if I’d had that type of relationship with my parents, would any ounce of advice have stopped me from loving Kova?
No. The heart wanted what the heart wanted, and it gave no fucks about anyone's feelings or objections.
"I don't know what to say. I feel like thank you isn't enough. This is more than a book you're giving me."
Her eyes glistened with relief and that made me feel good inside. "You don't have to say anything. Despite your maturity, you're still young. Not that I'm doubting what you have with Kova isn't real, but you should live your life and experience every age while you can." Her eyes narrowed into a knowing look. "I bet you're really consumed with him and you think about him all the time and wonder what he's thinking. Like you have to be with him and can't imagine a life without him." I tried not to squirm. "Find what you love and what you hate. When you're involved with someone, we tend to think only about what they want and need. It's easy to forget ourselves in the process. Put what you want first. Go to college and attend parties. Stay up until two in the morning with your girlfriends and burn a pizza in the oven. Don’t lose out on this time in your life. You'll regret not living it to its fullest. I know I do." She pointed to the book. "Check it out when you can. It might be more useful than you think."
Sophia stood. I placed the book on the table and stood with her. "No one's ever told me that." No one ever spoke to me like that. What she said to do sounded kind of fun.
"Me either, but I think it's something a teen Sophia needed to hear." She waited. "I thought you may too."
I glanced at the book again and reread the tagline. Don't let this life pass you by.
"I'm going to read a few pages tonight while I ice my arm. Thank you, Sophia."
"Frank is waiting for me, so I'm going to head out. Regardless of the outcome tomorrow, I’m proud of you. I can't wait to watch you. Thank you for allowing me to be here." Affection swirled in her eyes before they glossed over with remorse. "Francesca would've loved to be here to see you."
While I never got to meet my aunt, the emotion clogging my throat was real. I was so much more sensitive than I used to be.
Nodding, she walked to the door. Right before she left, she looked at me.
"I'm not going to tell you to not see Kova because that'll only make you do it more. If you do, I want you to consider not only those affected, but yourself too. Think about you and your life and the opportunities you have. Take advantage while you can and create your happy ending."
Sophia opened the door and stepped out quietly. I glanced back at the book, debating whether I should open it up and read a few pages now, or go see Kova like we’d planned. Listening to what Sophia said stirred my interest and swayed my decision a little.
Not being able to experience life to the fullest had been a fear of mine since I was diagnosed. I didn't want to lose out and have regrets about things I could've and should've done. The thought scared me.
What Sophia said to experience, I wanted to do. I just hadn't allowed myself to think about it because my focus was on this moment right now and getting through the heartache and pain my body dealt with every day. I didn't allow myself to look ahead, and anytime I had, I assumed Kova would be there. Yet, all those moments she mentioned—college, parties, late nights with friends—sounded like so much fun to me, and he wasn't there.
Gymnastics had always been, and will always be, the love of my life, but it would be naïve of me to not realize it was going to be over soon. I needed to decide what I wanted.
And what did I want? My fingers grazed the cover. What did I truly want?
Thoughts flickered too quickly through my mind like an old film. Some involved Kova, some involved Avery, of course my family, but most of them were of me alone. Happy, but alone, and constantly searching for something no one could give me but myself.
I was angry at the world and I hated myself.
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Did I feel the same way as Sophia once did? My skin prickled with realization. I tried to push it away, but…
My breathing labored. My heart started racing. The more I thought about it, the more it hit me that my feelings were nearly identical to hers.
It didn't just hit me. It slammed into me.
I did feel the same way. I was angry at the world, and I did hate myself.
I hated myself for so many reasons, but mainly for how sick I was. I hid it from everyone who cared about me, and in turn, I pushed my body to the brink of total destruction to prove to myself there was nothing wrong with me. Everything about what I did made me angry and filled me with hate, not only for myself but for everything around me, except gymnastics. Becoming sick wasn't anyone's fault, but I couldn't help but wonder if I had listened to my body in the first place, would I have caught the illnesses before they grew into something more? I was stubborn and had assumed it was from overtraining, but I think in the back of my mind I always knew something wasn't right.
A fire burned inside me just thinking about it. Tears burst from my eyes and I covered my mouth. I wondered when my heart hardened and why I became like this, or if I was always like this and I just didn't know it. Tears dripped down my cheeks and my knees shook. It hurt me that I was like this.
An unexpected quietness settled in my chest. It forced me to become aware of the truth, and damn did it hurt. I realized I needed to let go of the resentments I'd built, and the only way to do that was on my own.
The things Sophia said, words of wisdom, were all things I'd been seeking without even realizing it.
