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My heart was in his hands.
Twenty-Six
I wanted to kiss him and tell him that I did love him, that I was going to do whatever I could to fix this and make it right, but something felt so off that it caused a tide of anxiety to wrap around my heart and hold back.
I could hardly breathe. Kova's eyes were on mine, but he wasn't looking at me. He seemed distant even though he was right in front of me. My chest rose and fell, tight with the panic that he no longer wanted me in his arms.
"What…what's wrong?" I asked.
I'd never felt him like this, so withdrawn from even himself. It scared me.
"Nothing," he said under his breath. "I just want to look at you."
His hands squeezed my hips, his fingers clenching my twisted shirt in his hands now. Kova was nervous. I didn't like the feeling closing in on me at seeing him like that. It made my stomach ache, like a negative intuition I feared to acknowledge. It lit up through me, but I doused the paranoia and pressed closer to him. I wasn't supposed to hurt when I was in his arms, and I was going to prove to myself it was all in my head.
"Kiss me," I said quietly. I wanted his lips on mine, but I wanted more to see his reaction.
Kova let go of my shirt and placed his palm around the side of my neck. My knees were weak with him this close. Something so simple caused a surge of feeling to rush through me. His thumb caressed my jaw, and his lips parted, but he didn't move. All Kova did was look at me like he was suffering inside.
If he wasn't going to kiss me, then I would kiss him. I would show him that despite everything, I was still his and he was still mine and we would get through this.
I leaned into him and felt his palm press against my chest.
My breath hitched in my throat.
I blinked, and frowned.
Kova. Stopped. Me.
My frowned deepened.
Kova didn't want to kiss me.
I reared back, my eyes as round as a full moon. I stared at him. Surprisingly, his gaze didn't waver, but he was sad and confused, filled with indecision.
We'd come so far. This didn't make sense. He wasn't supposed to look at me like that.
Oh, God.
I was going to be sick.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
He was supposed to crush his stupid fish lips to mine and kiss me like I meant everything to him. He was supposed to tell me we'd get through this. He was supposed to tell me he loved me, damn it.
My hands fell from around him and I stepped back. My legs shook. A numbing low vibration spread beneath my skin. It made me jittery as hell. I needed to get out of here before I threw up. Kova didn’t want me anymore, and I wasn't sure how to handle it.
"I have to leave," I said.
A string of Russian flew from his lips as I reached for the doorknob behind me. Kova's arms flew up to the sides of my head and caged me in. I looked up at him, confused, and held my breath. He couldn't tear his eyes from mine. Kova stepped closer until I was forced to press against the door. I was confused, yet I couldn't stop myself from relishing the feel of his body on mine. A gush of air rolled off my lips. He was touching me, he was right in front of me, and yet he wasn't, but now he wasn't letting me leave.
Kova pressed his forehead to mine and let out a shaky sigh. He was struggling and I hated that after we'd come so far.
"Do not ever second-guess my love for you again," he said, then smashed his lips to mine.
Tears climbed my eyes. My jaw trembled and I broke down seeing the insult in his wounded gaze. I couldn’t help but cry against his mouth. I felt guilty for doubting his love after he'd told me countless times how much I meant to him. The first opportunity to question him, and I slipped into a coma of insecurity.
"Please, do not cry," he said, then kissed me again. Kova's lips were on mine, but he wasn't there.
