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"Phenomenal Four!"
We split up and I stood to the side, cheering on my teammate. I was third to go in this rotation.
The music started and I watched as she began, holding my breath when she executed her first tumbling pass like it was second nature to her. I could breathe.
There was something about seeing someone else do a trick first that brought a sense of relief to me. Now I knew I could do it too. Seeing her skip and leap across the floor to the other corner and then complete another extremely difficult tumbling pass, one that even I couldn't do, made me feel even better the second time. I was eager to get out there and perform.
"Is it true?" one of my teammates asked. "Do you really need a kidney?"
I blinked, confused for a moment until I remembered that the world knew about my secret now.
I nodded hesitantly. "It's true. After the Games are over, I'm on a flight back home to start dialysis immediately."
Her eyes softened, but not with pity like I expected. There was a sparkle of admiration that caught me by surprise. My head tilted to the side.
"Wow," she whispered. "You're, like, really tough."
My cheeks warmed and I laughed, feeling slightly embarrassed. "I wouldn't say I'm tough, just hardheaded."
"Do you hurt? Like are you in pain now? You don't look like you are."
"Not really right this minute, but once I sit down and unwind is when I’ll start to feel the side effects. Everything tenses up and the pain sets in. It makes me feel like I'm an eighty-seven-year-old and strips me of me. Doing gymnastics numbs that feeling. It makes me feel like nothing is wrong with me."
She stared at me for a long minute like she was trying to figure me out. "When I heard the news, I didn't believe it. I honestly thought it was a hoax to drive attention. There was no way, not after I saw how hard you trained at camp with everyone. And then seeing you here? I still didn't believe it even though I'd read about it numerous times. Sorry if I'm being rude, but I had to ask. You just seem so…normal."
I am normal, I wanted to say.
I wasn't sure whether to smile or not, and that was because I wasn't sure how to feel. She wasn't pitying me, she wasn't being cruel about my illness, she was genuinely curious and somewhat in awe. It was kind of a…normal conversation.
I glanced at my chalky toes and allowed the smile I wore to hide the imperfections and sins of my personal life tug into a real one. I looked back at her.
"You're not being rude. I was just caught by surprise is all. I've kept it a secret for what felt like forever and then suddenly everyone knows overnight."
Her eyes widened. "Yeah, I can see that now." She began to frown.
"Don't feel bad," I said, trying to reassure her. "Really, I don't mind."
"You seemed out of breath when we were practicing earlier."
My cheeks warmed again. "I was. The shortness of breath is daily for me and kind of annoying. I'm missing like seventy percent of my kidney function which means I'm depleting all my stored energy and oxygen at a much quicker rate. Sometimes it's hard for me to catch my breath when I'm in the zone, my chest gets all tight and sometimes I get nervous thinking I'm going to have a panic attack from it."
She stared at me, a little disturbed. I averted my gaze to the floor where a gymnast was completing her final pass. "Well, that escalated quickly." We both laughed. "As you can see, I don't talk to people a lot about this."
I was so awkward about it. I'd have to work on my rambling if I was going to respond to questions from others.
"It's all good in the neighborhood."
"When I crash tonight in the room with a pillow over my head, don't worry. I can breathe just fine, so don't pick it up. I'll be recharged by tomorrow, well, ah…" I hesitated. "If I make it that far."
She gave me the thumbs up and smiled. "Done. And you totally are, at least for vault anyway."
The classical music we all performed to ended with a round of applause.
"Wish me luck." She smiled over her shoulder.
"Good luck," I said enthusiastically.
Just before her routine ended, Kova strode over to me. His arms were crossed in front of his chest as he watched. She'd completed her last-minute adjustments with ease and perfection too. I was next.
