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"Far from happy, which she knows." He pauses. "I'm happy with you."
"You're not getting any younger, James. Wouldn't you want to spend the time you have left searching for that person? I would think being alone is even better than that. I'm sorry. I know this is none of my business and I shouldn’t say anything. It's just something I could never do so I don't understand how others can."
"Believe me, I've considered it a time or two. The only thing I want is for someone to want me the way I want them. To want all of me, not just a few parts of me. I want to connect emotionally and mentally and just have fun with someone. Life's too fucking short. If I search for that specific person, I won't find them."
He has a point, but it's still not something I could ever do. I'd rather be alone than stuck with someone who isn't my match in every way. That's not the kind of life I want to live, and I feel bad for the people who do.
"Can I ask what happened with you and Natalie? If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I'm just curious."
James remains quiet for a long time. I kind of feel like I'm intruding on my friend’s privacy, but given the nature of my relationship with James, I feel like I need a little more background.
"I said some pretty shitty things to her a few of years ago that I can never take back. We were arguing about college and her future. The conversation got heated and Katherine wasn't helping the situation. I told her she was ungrateful and…" James hesitates for a moment like it hurts him to speak. "I said I wish her mother would've had the abortion." He closes his eyes, remorse etching his face. My jaw drops at the thought of such cruel words being spoken. "I didn't mean it and regretted it the moment I uttered the words. Of course Katherine confirmed that I wanted one. I'll never forget her face that day. It was like Katherine was proud to tell Natalie." He sighs. "It's been pretty tense ever since."
"You asked for an abortion?"
He nods. "I told Katherine she should have an abortion so we didn't have to marry, but she refused. I'm glad she didn't listen to me. Everything changed for me when the moment came and I got to hold my daughter for the first time. She's been my world ever since and everything I've done has been for her. It wasn't that I didn't want Natalie, I just wasn't ready for a child with a woman I barely knew, and then being forced into a marriage I didn't want. I was barely thirty and my life took a fucking nose dive. Now Natalie looks at me with disdain, like I never wanted her, and that's not true." He's quiet for a long moment. "I only want the best for her and to give her the life I felt she should have. I went about it the wrong way that day. I'd already had a massive fight with Katherine that I was steaming from, but I know when she's older she'll be happy, or at least I hope so."
The creases between my eyes deepen from the s
ound of sorrow coming from his voice. There are so many things I want to say to James.
"You'd feel pretty shitty if it were you, wouldn’t you?" he asks, sounding so far away.
My teeth dig into my bottom lip as I put myself in Natalie's shoes.
"Yeah, I would. Natalie and I, though? We're polar opposites. I can see how she would stay mad. My parents died in a car accident when I was young, so my grammy raised me. I know if those words were spoken to me, I wouldn't ever be able to forget them, but I do know what it's like to miss a loved one I'll never get to see again, so I tend to get over things a little differently. Everyone says things in the heat of the moment that we regret. If we can learn from that, then we can forgive and be a better person. I try not to stay mad too long. All it does is harden the heart and that's not what life is about for me."
"Natalie holds a serious grudge toward me, which is another reason why I haven't divorced her mother. Katherine doesn't want the problem to get worse and thinks it will if we separate. I kind of do too. The tension between me and my daughter eats away at me every damn day, so I suffer through this depressing fucking marriage hoping one day she'll come around. If I divorce her mother, I don't think Natalie will ever have a change of heart with how she already feels." He takes a deep breath. "I think that would be the straw that breaks the camel's back."
"You do realize Natalie isn't a child anymore. She's an adult, and I'm sure if you talked to her, told her the truth, it wouldn't be as bad as you think."
He turns over onto his side to face me. Pulling me so I'm nestled against his body, he lies halfway on me and continues. "It's a risk I'm not willing to take. I love my daughter too much for that. I don't want to lose her completely."
I glare, because I know he's not that stupid. "James. A divorce is something you can work on with her. But I'm telling you right now that if she ever finds out about us, I don't think there's anything you could do to fix it. Not to mention, she's going to think you cheat on—" I stop short. "Well, you do cheat, even though you have an open relationship, but your wife doesn't mess around."
He twirls a lock of my hair between his fingers. He watches his movements, his gaze so far away that it bothers me. It’s a side I've yet to see of him.
"Natalie will never know," he says quietly.
My stomach knots at the thought and all my guilt comes thundering back tenfold. I pray she never does, because even though I know better than to get in bed with her dad, I still did it, even knowing the consequences. I take a deep breath and exhale.
"I hope she never does either."
Forty-Seven
Pulling my cell phone out, I glance down to see Blocked Caller on the screen. I don’t typically care to answer numbers I don't know, but I’ve been getting calls from this one all week, so I decide to put an end to whoever’s on the other end.
"New York City Sperm Bank, you squeeze, we freeze. This is Valentina, how may I help you pump one out today?"
"Val." The voice sends chills down my spine to the tips of my toes. "It's James."
I smile. "Oh, I know it's you," I say, feeling relieved. I'm walking up the stairs and opening the door to the school building.
"How'd you guess?"
"No one calls my cell and says Val, for one thing. Plus, I love the sound of your voice. You could be across the room and I'd hear you and know it's you. How'd you get this number?"
"When you were sleeping last weekend at the hotel I got it."
