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James frowns. "You typically don't?"
I shrug, my chest feeling a little empty now that I'm admitting how I feel. "I'm a prostitute. Where's the desire in that? Yeah, I know I have a pretty face and I keep my body in shape, but the way you touched me, you made me feel like you actually do desire more than just a place to stick your dick. Sex is meaningless for me, it always has been. And I'm okay with that, but tonight, it was different, and it made me feel different." I pause, feeling embarrassed. "I probably don't make any sense. Feel free to tell me to shut up."
His frown deepens. "Sex should never be meaningless."
"It always has been for me."
He muses over my response. "Sex is how you connect with another person. It's where you see their vulnerabilities and insecurities, where you want to make them forget everything but remind them you're there for them. When you're both into each other and understand each other's minds, it's a deeper connection. It's how the intimacy grows."
James pulls out but leans down so he's lying on top of me. I smile up at him, my cheeks aching from my grin. He's a big man, but his weight is like a security blanket on me, smothering my anxiety.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and wish I knew what it is about this man that settles that edgy feeling inside my gut and quiets the thoughts and fears in my head. He's the best anti-anxiety medication there is.
"It's like you just knew what I needed," I say.
"Are you trying to say you had a meaningful dick ride?"
We both grin, trying not to laugh. "It made a difference to me. Is that stupid?"
"No, it's not. How you feel should never be stupid, Aubrey. What I did with you tonight"—he looks away and pauses for a moment—"it’s something my wife doesn't let me do. She doesn't let me spank her, or tie her up. I definitely can't bite her and fuck her as rough as I did you. That only touches on the things I want, and need, but I never get. I have needs too. I have to be able to release the weight of my day, and when I can't, all it does is build up inside me. The pressure makes me tense, like a ticking time bomb. So I seek out women who will allow me to control them for a little bit, ones who won't call me a freak the way Katherine does."
My brows shoot up. "She called you a freak?"
He nods and my heart breaks a little. Now it's my turn to frown.
It's never crossed my mind to call someone a name for their personal preferences, and it bothers me that the one person who should always have his side is the one who ostracizes him. What people do behind closed doors is none of my business and I would never make them feel like shit for it. What I find gratification in, someone else might not, and I'm okay with that. It's what makes us all so interesting.
"The way you were tonight, I honestly can't imagine you any other way. You're definitely not the type to just lie there and take it, but I don't think you're a freak for that either."
"I can do that though, if that's what you need," he responds quickly.
Why did those words penetrate my soul? I know why. My gaze drops to his lips and my heart softens for him. I gave him what he needs, so he'd do anything I want in return for that.
"It's called compromise, but a lot of people don't have that word in their vocabulary. It's all I do with her—compromise—and it fucks me in the ass."
"You watched me fuck your friend. I definitely don't think you're a freak, James." I chuckle softly. "I thought it was kind of hot actually."
His eyes darken, desire swirling in the depths. His jaw flexes. "Do you have any idea how much control that night required? Practicing control only heightens the pleasure, but that night almost broke me."
He licks his lips and I have the urge to kiss him now. I want to, but I don't know if I should. I don't really know what this arrangement between us means actually. Do I wait for him to tell me what to do? Or do I just take the initiative?
"What are you thinking about?"
I swallow, and tell him the truth.
"I want to kiss you but I don’t really know if I should or not. I don't know what our deal means, what it entails, what I should or shouldn’t do. I feel a little lost right now."
"Aubrey?"
"Hmm?"
"I know this makes me a heartless piece of shit, but my wife and I have an agreement. It’s one of the only times we've really agreed on anything. To make the marriage work, she told me to fulfill my needs somewhere else. Keep it discreet and never bring it home. To be honest, it killed me when she said that, because to me it shows she really doesn't care that I've done everything I can to make her happy. So, I fuck random women. But with you, and our deal, I don't want you to ever hold back. So fucking kiss me like you really want to and do it whenever you want."
I blink, taken aback by this news. "Wait. She's okay with you being with other women?"
He scoffs. "No, she fucking hates it."
"Is she with other men?"
