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"James, one thing you need to understand is that I don't like being controlled or told what to do. I'm an adult and I make my own choices. The only time you get to tell me what to do is when your cock is inside me making me forget my name. Deal?"
His eyes darken and I can feel the rumble in his chest vibrate against mine. "We'll see about that."
Forty-One
"Is it summer yet?" Natalie asks dramatically. "This snow is starting to make me feel suicidal."
Every year I swear the winter gets longer and colder. Still, I'd take it over the heat any day.
I glance out our small apartment window at the gray skies. It's been snowing for three hours straight and I find it so peaceful to just sit and stare at it, which is what I've been doing. It clears my mind.
"I love it."
She throws a pillow at me. "Let's plan a trip to the Bahamas."
"When? We have school right now."
"We can go for the weekend. We'll leave after classes Friday and come back late Sunday. Just us. We can drink fruity drinks from a coconut and sit on the beach and do nothing. The conch there is fresh and the best. I love it, especially when it's fried."
"We know you love conch." I joke.
As much as I love the idea, it's not something I can do right now. Not after the deal I made with James last weekend. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since that night, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. While I'm kind of glad I haven't, he's been on my mind and I can't help but wonder what he's doing right now or where he is.
I glance toward Natalie as she scrolls through her phone. Her legs are hanging over the arm rest of the couch, her UGG boots dangling while she lies on her back. Being in the same room with her these days has been difficult. I find it hard to look at her, hard to talk to her, hard to just sit next to her without feeling insanely guilty. The pressure in my chest steadily grows, like a giant divide that's trying to put distance between us. I can feel myself trying to pull away. I've contemplated countless times this week to tell James this isn't going to work, but I know deep down that I won't. I have him—really have him this time—and I'm not ready to let go.
I sigh inwardly, exhausted with my thoughts. The snow is getting heavier and falling faster, holding me in a daze. Going to my classes has been the only time that's allowed me a moment of reprieve from my shame. I've immersed myself in homework. School has been more like a lifeline lately until we got the notice that classes were cancelled due to the impending snowstorm. Now I feel trapped and paranoid again, the guilt is eating away at me.
Natalie came home about an hour after James had left. She’d tried to rouse me to talk to me, but I pretended I was sleeping. I couldn’t look at her after what I’d done, not when I still felt her father's cum seeping out of me. For days now I've acted like I'm insanely busy with work and school, but at the same time, I'm getting paranoid thinking I've made it obvious I'm avoiding her.
I'm not sure the mind fuck is worth the money.
Oh, who am I kidding? My dignity, and my sanity, is obviously worth five million dollars.
"What do you say? Wanna hop on a plane and hit the surf? We can fly first class and get drunk on mimosas, then plant our asses in the pink sand and soak up the sun."
"I don't know… I have a bunch of jobs coming up I already agreed to. Maybe we can plan something for the summer when we have more time."
She groans. "I'm going to join Bumble just to find me a new bestie because you're fucking lame."
I smile, knowing she's just being dramatic. Her cell phone rings and I hear her greet her mom when she answers it. My face falls, my stomach tightening when I hear her voice on the other end.
Standing up, I walk into my room. I have a lunch date with Daniel that I need to get ready for, but first I'm stopping by Grammy's house to make sure she's stocked with necessities for the blizzard. I told her I would stay with her until the storm rides through, but she told me to stop babying her and that she has her cats.
Changing out of my clothes, I can hear Natalie talking to her mom. I don't want to eavesdrop, so I close the door, but her voice carries. I can hear the urgency in her tone.
"No, Mom, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for why Dad’s acting like a dick. He must be on his period because a few days ago you were going on and on about how wonderful he’s been.” She pauses, probably to listen to her mom vent. “I don’t know why you’re surprised. This sort of thing happens often with you guys, but just like those other times, it’ll smooth out like it always does in a day or so.” She sighs. “Yeah, I know, but you guys haven’t come this far for nothing. What happened with counseling? Are you guys still going?” She pauses again. “Oh, good. Maybe you guys just need a vacation…”
I don’t want to listen to any more, so I put on a playlist and get changed. Once I’m done and bundled up, ready to brave the snow, I step into the living room.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"We're supposed to get eighteen inches of snow tonight. I have to make sure Grammy is taken care of, then I'm going to Daniel’s. He's been bugging me to come by all week."
"I'll take eighteen inches and some snow right now." Her eyes twinkle, and I shake my head and laugh.
"Everything okay?" I ask.
Natalie chews her lip as she looks back at her blank phone screen and stares at it. "Yeah, you know, all parents argue. They're always up and down, but that's also because they're polar opposites."
