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"I don't understand why you think two people who are clearly fucking madly in love with each other shouldn't take the final step and get married. It's preposterous to me."
I shake my head and avert my gaze, stopping to stare at the French doors. No matter what I say, it won't make a difference to James. He doesn't understand why we don't need a paper to keep our bond strong. There's nothing stronger than what we already have.
I'm ashamed though, because in a way, in some closed off chamber of my heart, I agree with him, and that's not fair to either of us.
My throat is sore and scratchy as I speak. "Do you really think Natalie would be okay with it?"
I can feel the weight of his stare on me while I gaze mindlessly out the window at the rippling water. The sun is fresh above the water right before its peak. It's enchanting and pulls me away from the torment between us. I can't bring myself to look at James because I'm so torn and upset inside. It's messing with my emotions.
Warmth blooms under my cheek. I'm avoiding him and I sense he gets that. A chuckle echoes along the corners of our intimate room. I frown and finally look down. He's smirking in disbelief and beholding me with stupefied eyes.
"You're kidding me, right?"
"I'm dead serious."
He pops his head up and places his chin in his palm. "You and I live together. When she visits, she sits on the bed we have sex in every day. You think she'd object to us getting married?" We're both quiet. "Tell me my daughter is not the reason you won't marry me."
Humiliation invades me. My reasoning sounds like total bullshit now and messes with my feelings. I'm saddened that in all the days we've been together, this is our first real fight, and it’s over marriage.
"Did you forget how she reacted to us dating and how long it took her to come around? She's going to be ten times worse over marriage. I'm not going to lose my best friend completely when there's no reason if everything is fine the way it is, which it is."
"It's not fine the way it is," James spits out, then rolls out of bed to pace the floor.
My eyes widen as hurt consumes my heart. I lower my voice and say, "Wow. I had no idea you were so miserable."
"What makes you think she'd react the same way, anyway?" he challenges, throwing his arm in the air. A colorful blur of inked hues crosses my gaze. Frustration drips from him when I don't say anything. "You don't know. You're just scared to take the p
lunge because you think you have bad luck and it's the reason all the good things in your life are taken from you. Guess what? You had shitty luck before you met me, and you already took a risk with me. Yeah, it fucking backfired on us because it wasn't under normal circumstances, but look at us now. I'm the one good thing that has made it this far with you, because it was meant to fucking happen." James pauses, his eyes wild. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. We're only going to get better from here on out. I just wish you’d open your eyes so you don't waste time trying to fight it and enjoy what we have."
James is good. His argument guts me. Damn that devil on my shoulder, he was so fucking hot as he did so too.
"I'm serious, James. I can't fucking do that to her. To us. You really don't think she won't care? You're wrong, and I won't do that to her."
James does that sarcastic chuckle again under his breath as he strides toward the bathroom. It grates on my nerves and makes me want to chase after him, but I don't. He made a good case in a matter of seconds and crushed any reason I feared would tear us down with one breath.
James stops and places his hand on the wall before he turns into the room and looks around the corner at me. His brows angle toward each other like he's struggling worse than I am. My face has tears streaming down my heated cheeks. I wish he'd come to me and kiss them away. I wish he'd tell me we’d find a way to make this work. Because right now, this feels hopeless, and even though he said he's not going anywhere, it feels like he’s already gone.
"Hypothetically, say Natalie doesn't have an issue and we could get married tomorrow, would you marry me?"
The silence in the room is deafening. My vision blurs further as the seconds tick by. I watch the hope in James's eyes reduce to grief, and it kills me. Breaking a man does something to me I can't explain. My brain is saying to be smart and follow the evidence so I can break the cycle, but my heart is saying yes. Like why is he even asking me? Of course, I'd say yes.
But I don't say anything at all, and neither does he.
I watch James's fingers tap the corner of the wall. He presses his lips together, his eyes boring into mine, and with a firm nod, he looks away. "Okay," he says, his voice low. "I understand."
Thirteen
For the last two days, the only times James has spoken to me was to ask me for a reason.
He says my reasons aren't legitimate and I need a better one if I'm going to win my case.
He'd ask me before the sun rose when he'd just woken up. His voice groggy, thick with sleep and making my body come alive. The rawness in his tone that comes with age and patience just gets to me, especially when he’s passionate about something. These last few mornings have been torture on me.
I couldn't bring myself to have him the next morning after we’d arrived home. I wanted him desperately, but it felt wrong. Twice I turned over to reach for him, and stopped myself. How was I supposed to have what I wanted with him if I wouldn't give him what he wanted with me?
I knew the moment I touched him I would pounce, so I’d quickly climbed out of bed and made my way into the bathroom.
This is the longest we’ve gone without each other since we got back together, and now we’re in this weird state of limbo. Sex is something we connect with and find reprieve from the real world. It isn't just out of necessity to have sex with our other half, it's part of who we are and what connected us as a couple. We physically and mentally and emotionally need each other. Not having every part is sucking the life from me.
