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I just want peace.
I feel his lips against the top of my head as the tears fall down my face. “I promise, I’ll call you later. I just can’t deal with all of this with you here.” My voice is muffled against his chest.
I can’t handle this with Bennett’s state and my reaction to said state.
What did this all even mean? Was I still in love with him?
Yes.
Enough to give us another chance?
No.
Eventually, he’ll remember everything and when he does, I can’t be in this headspace because he’ll break me down. Despite his girlfriend, I know he wants me back just as Wren had said.
My eyes fly open and I squeeze David harder. I need him. I need him to help me stay strong. To not fall back into the trap of Bennett Clarke. If I’m not careful, I’ll fall back into old habits. I have to remember that.
He may not remember the past, but I do.
Even as I think the thoughts, I don’t believe them.
No one could save me from Bennett.
My heart. My mind. My soul.
All of it still belonged to him.
No more than thirty minutes later, I hear the ding of the elevator just over my right shoulder and my head jerks up immediately as Bennett comes back into view. Green eyes find mine and he gives me a small smile and I try to ignore the familiar feelings welling in the pit of my stomach. “Miss me, did you?” He winks and I fight the urge to roll my eyes to hide what I’m actually feeling. Standing, I follow them inside as Wren gets him settled.
“I’ve sent the images off to the radiologist, but I haven’t seen anything abnormal. We can see signs of amnesia now on MRIs, but it won’t give specifics such as the severity of the memory loss.” He pushes his glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose and scratches his jaw. “I want to keep you here overnight.” He looks at Bennett and then at me and I nod.
I look at Bennett who, for the first time, isn’t staring at me like I might break or disappear or flee from the room. “What does all this mean? I mean will I regain my memory?” he asks.
“It’s hard to say at this point. Amnesia comes in all different forms and there’s no real way to cure it. A lot of doctors urge routine and familiarizing you
rself with your old life to trigger old memories. But as far as a medicine to reverse the damage, unfortunately we aren’t that advanced yet.”
“So, it’s possible I may never remember…the time I’m missing?” Bennett asks and to the untrained ear, it may sound like he’s upset or worried about that, but I know Bennett like the freckle on the back of my hand and the one on his that matches. He’s hoping he doesn’t remember. He’s hoping that he doesn’t have to face the harsh truth that we aren’t together. That he broke my heart. Right now, the thoughts are unfathomable to him and he wants to stay there. In the place of ignorance and confusion because it really is bliss.
“I can’t say for sure, man. But we are going to do everything we can to get some answers. The MRI results will take a few hours, but we should still be able to get you out of here tomorrow unless there’s something troubling on the scan. I don’t want to hold you hostage.”
The sound of beeping interrupts and Wren looks down at his pager. “Shit it’s a 911, I’ve got to run, but I’ll be back as soon as I can, alright?”
He’s gone in an instant leaving me and Bennett in this room that feels like it gets smaller every time we’re inside. I pull my jacket tighter around me and rub my arms up and down. “You get rid of your boyfriend?”
“Bennett…”
He scrubs his face with both hands and groans. “And stop with the Bennett, it’s freaking me out. I don’t think you ever call me Bennett unless I’m in trouble.” I don’t say anything because calling him Clarke feels too intimate. He sighs in defeat. “I don’t expect you to stay, I’m sure you’re exhausted.”
“Well I was thinking I was going to leave, but I’ll wait until you fall asleep…” I start. But do I want to leave him alone in the hospital? “Or maybe I could stay…” I whisper as I look around the small room. I do have some work I need to do, but I suppose I could send the emails from my phone.
Despite the fact that my husband makes more than enough money so I don’t have to work, I didn’t spend four years in college for an MRS degree. I wanted to work. I enjoy working even if I don’t have to.
“I’d love if you stayed, but…I always want to be near you. I’m selfish like that.” I purse my lips and look nervously at the ground as I try to come up with something to say. The knee jerk reaction is to agree that he’s been selfish, but this definitely wasn’t the time to go down that road. “Don’t be nervous, baby.”
I snap my gaze up to look at him. “Stop with the baby,” I grit out.
He winces and nods slowly. “Sorry, force of habit.” I sigh, suddenly feeling like shit for scolding him. It isn’t his fault he doesn’t remember. That his body has shut down and forced him to forget what’s going on between us. It’s almost as if he’s developed amnesia as a way to escape the pain. All he knows is that he loves me and that we’re happy. He doesn’t know this Olivia and Bennett. “Do we…I mean I assume we aren’t living together?”
