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“I make jokes when I’m nervous. You know this.”
“Why are you nervous?”
“Because this is…you, and I’ve been fighting the urge to come since you first straddled me ten minutes ago.”
“Stop fighting it, Cal. Let go.” I grab him by the back of the neck and pull him closer to me and lean up slightly, letting him know what I plan to do and then our lips touch.
Not in an awkward way like most first kisses are. Not in a slow passionate way like when you kiss your lover after not kissing them in so long. But in a rushed, frenzied way that is aggressive and hard and rough. He bites and I bite back. His tongue sweeps between my lips, and I meet him with rabid urgency. I’m so desperate for his taste on my tongue, I explore every inch of his mouth. It’s sloppy and wet and loud and, quite frankly, the hottest fucking kiss of my life.
He presses my arms above my head, holding them there, and laces our fingers together as his tongue penetrates my mouth in a way I wish his cock was doing to my pussy. He bucks against me with wild reckless abandon, fighting for the orgasm he’s spent God knows how long fighting and then he does. Long and hard. I know the second he does because he groans in my mouth and his kisses get even more frantic—if that’s possible. Our kiss doesn’t stop when his orgasm wanes. If anything it gets even more wild and uncontrolled. We’re a tangle of arms and legs, threaded together in the most delicious puzzle, our pelvises pressed together as they yearn to be connected. I push my hands through his lush, wavy brown hair and I find myself fantasizing about grabbing on to it as his head disappears between my thighs. Perhaps my favorite fantasy of all time and I wonder if I could push that into becoming a reality.
“Cal,” I moan when he pulls away to suck on a place on my neck, “please.”
“Please what?”
“Please, can we lose the clothes.”
“No,” he growls and just like that, it’s like a bucket of ice water has dumped all over us, breaking us from the sex haze. He’s off of me, putting space between us for the first time since we started and he backs away from me. “Holy fuck, I can’t believe I let that happen…”
“Cal…” I move towards him and he puts a hand out to stop me from coming closer.
“No, Madeline. Stay.”
Tears rush to my eyes and my bottom lip trembles. “But…?”
“I’m not your boyfriend. I’m…fuck I don’t know what I am anymore. But this can’t happen again.”
“Why?”
“You know damn well why.” He stands up, and I can see the evidence from both of our orgasms all over his gray sweats. His erection has gone down, after his thunderous orgasm, but the dark gray spot tells the story of our tryst.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” I tell him, because I am. I love him and I hate myself for ruining everything. For letting my forbidden fantasy control everything. Ruin everything. I expect him to tell me I had nothing to be sorry for. That it was his fault. That he could have moved me. Anything.
What I did not expect was for him to walk away without another word.
I DON’T SEE CAL FOR the rest of the day.
Not for lack of trying.
I’d walked by his bedroom at least twenty times, hoping that he’d open the door and talk to me. I know he was holed up in there mad at himself, and me, and probably the world.
My hand hovers over the door waiting to knock when I let it fall.
He doesn’t want to see you, Maddie.
I back away from the door and trudge back to my room passing an array of photos of Cal and me and his family…my family. I stop at one picture in particular. Cal and me on my first trip to Disneyland. I was so excited and couldn’t believe when Cal surprised me.
The gravity of what Cal and I did hits me full force and the fear that things will never be the same between us comes creeping into my brain. Or worse, that he’ll hate me forever.
I don’t know if it’s the stress and the intensity of the day or the fact that I am really exhausted, but I fall into a troubled sleep.
The sound of the front door closing wakes me up out of my sleep and I notice that my room is pitch black. I turn over on my side and blindly search for my phone, rubbing my hand all over the sheets. I find it and bring it to my face. I tap the home button illuminating the space around me.
Eight-thirty on a Saturday? Cal didn’t usually go in this late, but maybe something happened? I frown when I don’t see a text from him as it’s rare for him to leave without saying goodbye to me. Ever since I was young, he’d made a point to tell me he’d be back. I still remember the first time he left me with Aria while he went to work.
Cal kneels in front of me and pulls my bunny from between my teeth. “I have to go to work for a little while, okay?”
My teeth chatter slightly, not because I’m cold, but because I’m so terrified of him leaving me all alone. “Will you be back?”
