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“I told you I love you and this is how you act.” “And that is my precise problem,” I yell, losing control. “I told you I don’t want a relationship.” I glare at her. “You knew. You fucking knew! And then you go and tell me you love me. You lost me with those three words.”
“What is so bad about being in a relationship, Julian?”
“It’s not who I am. I want a friendship with a woman who I care about.”
“But if you don’t see other women, why not call it a relationship.”
“Because I don’t want to. I don’t want the expectation of what’s coming next. I don’t want to be in love. I don’t want anyone to be in love with me.”
She watches the road, her face like stone, and we stay silent for a while.
Guilt suddenly fills me and I reach over to grab her hand. “Let’s just leave it.”
Her face falls. “You don’t want to see me anymore?”
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.” She begins to panic. “We’ll just go back to being casual.” I exhale heavily and lift her hand to kiss the back of it softly. “I can’t continue to see you knowing that you love me when I don’t feel the same.”
Her eyes fill with tears, and she drops her head.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
Her tears begin to fall, and she cries quietly for the rest of the trip until I pull into her driveway.
We sit in silence for a moment. I feel like absolute shit knowing I’ve hurt her.
I’ve felt this feeling many times before. They all fall in love with me. I always leave them when they do.
“Why?” she whispers as her eyes search mine. “Did I do something wrong?”
I shake my head. “Angel, no.” I pull her into an embrace. “It’s me. I’m. I…”
“You’re what?”
“I’m not wired like most.”
“What do you mean?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but at times like this, it’s difficult.”
“Have you done this before?”
I nod with regret.
She leans over, kissing me softly, and our lips linger over each others.
“Can’t we work this out?” she whispers. “I’ll be patient and I won’t push you. I promise.”
I smile as I look down at her. She really is beautiful. I brush the hair back from her face. “No. I’m going to free you up for a man who can really love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
Her eyes crease together and more tears fall. “But I’m in love with you.”
I kiss her once more before I open my door and climb out. I go around and open her car door, holding her hand to help her climb out. She clings to me one last time, her pain palpable.
“Julian, please? Please, don’t go. Come inside.”
“Stop,” I whisper as I wipe the tears from her eyes. “I’m going to say goodbye and you are going to walk inside and never think about me again.”
