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I giggle up at him, and then we fall serious again. I push my fingers through his hair. “Thank you.”
He frowns.
“It means a lot that you told me.”
He purses his lips together, as if trying to stop himself from saying anything else, and I kiss him tenderly. “Just know, Jules, that I am always on your side.”
He pulls me closer and closer, and then I pull back.
“You should also know that if we have sex right now, I will throw up on you.”
He chuckles, leaning farther away from me. “That’s definitely not on my bucket list.”
He finishes washing my hair out and then he gets out of the shower and dries himself. He holds a towel out for me to step into, and he wraps me in it before he begins to dry me as carefully as he can. We kiss, and then again and again, and I smile against his lips. “You’re going to have to wait until tonight. We have a trashed house and kids to pick up.” I sigh.
“Golf.” He sighs. “I promised the kids I would take them to play golf.”
I giggle and say something that I know I’m going to regret. “That’s okay. I’ll come, too.”
I sit on the sofa with my eyes fixed on Julian. Unlike other days, I know his silence is heavy. He’s sitting and pretending to watch television, his mind a million miles away. He’s been quiet today, lost in his own thoughts, and I know that after he confided in me this morning he’s now going over it again in his head. The children are sprawled on the floor with their beloved baby animals.
Eventually, I stand. I’m exhausted and falling asleep here.
“Take Millie out to the bathroom before she goes to bed, Sammy,” I tell him.
“Okay.” He runs outside with his puppy, and I smile as he disappears.
"Bedtime, Will," Julian says.
“Yeah.” She bends and picks up her kitten, Maverick. “Goodnight,” she calls as she disappears up the stairs.
My eyes find Julian’s across the room, and the overwhelming need to kiss him goodnight fills me. “Goodnight,” I say.
He looks over at me. “Goodnight, Bree. I’ll be asleep before I hit the pillow tonight.”
“Okay.” I walk over to stand in front of him. “If I could kiss you goodnight, I would.”
He smiles up at me. “Same.”
Our eyes linger on each other, and this warm affection between us rolls in. I hate this. I hate that I can’t get a minute with him alone unless it’s at a hotel. Why can’t we just make love at home? Is it really going to make a difference?
“Thanks for wrecking me last night.” He smirks.
I grin and throw him a cheeky wink. “Any time.”
“See you tomorrow night?” he asks.
“Sure will.”
I walk to my room, shower, brush my teeth, and then I finally climb into bed. When I turn off the light and stare into the darkness, my mind begins to tick.
How must it feel to be him—to be left alone with his guilt?
His children’s mother… gone.
Never to return.
I toss and turn, rolling over and over, and I even end up punching my pillow. I keep seeing Julian's haunted face when he told me his secret. I'm so overtired, I just want to sleep. I have no idea what time we went to sleep last night. I get a vision of Julian, naked, with my gold beads tied around his head this morning and I smile to myself. He looked so carefree and happy. I reach over to grab my phone and scroll through social media for a while, but still, my mind won't switch off. Without thinking, I send a text to Julian.
