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“You just what Julian?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“How about you start with the truth?”
He swallows the lump in his throat as he watches me. “You know I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”
I watch him intently.
He frowns as he struggles with his words. He brushes the hair back from my forehead. “What’s the rush?”
“There is no rush.”
His eyes search mine as if he's hoping to read my mind. "On a scale of one to ten, how important are marriage and babies for you?" he asks softly.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “A hundred.”
His face falls and he rolls to his back to look at the ceiling, exhaling heavily.
I watch him, and I feel guilty for pushing him when he’s obviously not ready. “Let’s just leave it for the time being. We can come back to this subject in six months. You’re right, we haven’t been together long enough for this,” I admit.
He listens, not saying a word.
I lean up onto my elbow and kiss his lips. “Okay? We won’t think about this for a while? I don’t want to stress you out about this.” He purses his lips, and I get the feeling that the subject is already closed in his mind. I don’t know what else to say, so I get up.
“Where are you going?”
“To shower.” My eyes hold his, and after a moment, when he doesn’t respond, I turn and walk into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
I have no words for him. I don’t know what to say.
Willow is sitting at the table, her face solemn. It’s 6:00 p.m. on Saturday night and Lola has just cancelled plans with her. She’s clearly disappointed. Julian is cooking dinner and Sammy is in the bath.
“What’s happening, pumpkin?” I ask as I blow into my coffee cup.
“Nothing.” She shrugs.
Julian’s glances at her, and then he frowns at me in question. I force a smile and I shrug.
I've kept myself from Julian today and given myself time to lick my wounds. I'm still hurt. I keep wondering what would have happened if I hadn't found that letter. Would he have gone through with it?
It’s going to take me some time to get over yesterday. I still can’t believe he actually booked a vasectomy.
A little voice inside me keeps telling me that we really are incompatible. He has to be unhappy for me to be happy, and vice versa.
I have no idea what to do with this new information, or how to feel about it.
I just know I can’t deal with the thought of losing him, so I’m pushing it to the back of my mind to deal with later.
“Do you want to go see a movie and have some dinner tonight?” I ask Will. “Just the two of us?” Her face lights up. “Really?”
I look at Julian. “Is that alright?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, if you want. Sam and I will watch a movie.”
This could be just what I need, a night away to clear my mind.
Willow smiles broadly and hunches her shoulders.
