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“What was her reaction?”
“She was angry that I’ve been lying to her.”
“Did you tell her why?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because if she doesn’t feel the same… I’ll lose her.” I run my hands through my hair in despair. “I’m not risking it.”
“Nathan, you do realize that if you do nothing, you will lose Eliza, anyway, don’t you?”
My eyes meet his. “What do you mean?”
“It’s inevitable. She will meet someone, and he will be in her bed every night and he will become her confidant. She will learn to depend on him and him alone.”
I frown.
“You told me that you don’t want to ruin the friendship between the two of you.”
“I don’t,” I reply.
“How long do you think Eliza will want to be best friends with someone and share a bed with him when he is keeping secrets from her? You are already putting a wedge between yourself and her by being dishonest. Whether you realize it or not, Nathan, you are already actively pushing Eliza away.”
I’ve never thought of it like that before.
“So, what you need to decide is whether you can live with yourself in years to come, watching her being happy with someone else, having someone else’s children, and knowing that you wanted her and yet you never let her know.”
“You don’t understand.” I drop my head. “It’s not that black and white.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
“You said she is angry with you for lying.”
“She is.”
“So be honest. Tell her the truth.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose as I imagine how that conversation would go.
What if she doesn’t want me?
“You can’t cover a lie with a lie, Nathan.”
“I know.”
We sit in silence for a while as I try to process my thoughts.
“What are you going to do?”
“There’s no way to know what to do unless I know for certain. I can’t risk opening up to Eliza and then having sex and not enjoying the physical act of it.”
Although I can’t imagine that happening with her… but it might. I have no idea what to do with a female body, and I have to face the reality of that.
My eyes meet Elliot’s, and for the first time in weeks, I know what I have to do. “I’m going to find out for sure.”
