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“What?” He frowns as if confused. His eyes widen suddenly. “Eliza, I don’t get fucked. I fuck.”
“You’ve never…?”
“No.” He scowls. “God, no, I have never.” He takes my hands over the table. “Eliza, you have everything that I would ever need. Physically, I mean.”
I smile softly, somehow weirdly relieved.
“Why am I doing all the talking?” he asks.
I spin my wine glass by the stem as I stare at it. “I don’t know what to say. This has all come out of nowhere, and I’m shocked, to be honest.”
“You never felt anything for me?”
My eyes meet his, and I know I have to be honest. “I love you.” I shrug bashfully. “I have always loved you. I just never let myself think this way about you because it would lead to heartache, and it has already. Look at last night.”
He frowns. “What about last night?”
“Why did you go to Stephanie?”
“Elliot said not to tie my sexuality to one person.”
“Who’s Elliot?”
“My therapist.”
“You have a therapist?” I frown in surprise.
“I had to talk to someone about this. I’ve been going insane.”
“Well, what did he say?” I ask, excited by the prospe
ct of a professional opinion.
“He thinks that I haven’t let myself fall in love with anyone since Robert, and that perhaps I’ve loved you for a long time, and that my body has only just caught up with my heart.”
I stare at my beautiful friend across the table….so confused.
“He said something the other day, which made me realize what I had to do. All along, I hadn’t considered telling you any of this because I was afraid that, if you didn’t feel the same, I would lose you, and it would be the end of our friendship. It would become weird between us.” He picks up my hand and kisses my fingertips. “But the reality is, it’s already become strained between us because I haven’t been honest and I’m going to lose you anyway.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because as soon as you meet someone and get married, I’ll lose you to him.”
“We will always be friends.”
“Not the same way.” He sighs. “Your focus will be on him and your children, as it should be.”
I take a big gulp of my wine.
“So, I had to make a decision on how I’m going to lose you. Either tell you how I feel and risk rejection, or watch you marry someone else and always regret not being honest with you.”
God, this is all so deep, I put my head into my hand. “Nathan.”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know.”
His face falls. “You don’t feel the same?”
