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But what if he needs it in the future?
Stop it.
I hate this feeling, damn them for ruining this for us, it’s like I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. For him to come out to me one morning and say that he changed his mind and it was all a big mistake.
I know that maybe it’s just fear that something is going to go wrong because I’m so blissfully happy and maybe if he didn’t have this past, I would be fixating on something else, scaring myself to oblivion.
Because that’s what I am.
I’m scared—petrified that I’m going to lose him, and even more terrified that I won’t deal with it if I do. Last night, I laid in bed and watched him sleep for two hours. My mind was going over and over every little detail about the things I remember about his past. Dates he’s been on, men he’s been with… and then there’s Stephanie.
She’s a whole other problem. Thankfully, Nathan has been too busy to go to the gym since we’ve been home, and quite frankly, I don’t want him to go back. Well, he won’t have to soon because our new place has a gym… thank God. I don’t want him to ever see her again. She would be after him, I know she would, especially now that she knows how beautiful he is and that he’s packing heat.
Damn him and his big, magical dick.
I know we weren’t together when he was with her, but he had feelings
for me….so in my mind, he cheated. I know he didn’t really, but it kind of feels like he did.
Maybe he was curious about women in general. He said that she was a means to an end.
My stomach rolls. Fuck, he could leave me for a million reasons. I don’t know why I’m fixated on the male thing. Nathan is attractive to everyone who meets him.
Memories of my first boyfriend, Thomas, come flooding back. There are a lot of similarities between him and Nathan. Well, there isn’t at all, actually, but the way I loved so wholeheartedly is similar. I was seventeen, and so in love, but he broke my heart when he left me for another girl. I got over it quickly, and I bounced back well. Looking back, it was only puppy love, but maybe that’s where all this fear is coming from. Perhaps knowing Nathan so well and knowing how much I stand to lose if we don’t work out is just making me batshit crazy.
Ugh, I hate feeling insecure…. maybe, I need to see Nathan’s therapist too?
I open the door of the restaurant in a rush.
I just want to stop all these negative thoughts and go back to our Majorca love bubble. Where nobody else existed except him and I.
I see the girls near the window, and I give them a small wave. “Hi.” I kiss them both and fall into my seat. I put my hand up. “Before you say anything, I don’t want to hear it.” I push my chair in. “I’m not discussing Nathan with you. You’ve made me all insecure, and I’ve been going out of my mind.”
Brooke’s face falls. “Oh, baby, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” Jo says. “We were assholes the other day, sorry. We were just worried.”
“I know.” I sigh. “I get it.” I pick up Jolie’s wine and take a sip. “Trust me, I’m worried, too.”
“You are?” Jo frowns.
“I’m not stupid, girls. I know the chances of this turning bad are high.”
“Not necessarily. We don’t know that, it’s Nathan after all, he adores you. Nobody could love you more than he already does.”
“That’s the worst part about it.” I sigh. “I know that he loves me….and even if he wanted to leave me. He wouldn’t.”
Jolie frowns. “What are you saying?”
“I don’t know.” I snatch up my menu, feeling over emotional. I shake my head in disgust with my train of thought. “I don’t even know what I’m talking about.” I look through my menu, change of subject. “What are we eating?”
* * *
It’s Sunday afternoon, and I’m pottering around, unpacking. The new apartment looks amazing, and we have worked all weekend to pull it together.
The furniture is in place. We ended up bringing my couch, although it is way too small for this space. It will have to do until we get a new one. We left most of Nathan’s furniture in his apartment, bringing only his personal belongings and clothes.
Nathan has stopped unpacking to watch the game, and I’m sorting the linen closet. I’m almost done. I have to go back to my apartment through the week and pack the rest of the things up to go into storage. Either that or sell them. Nathan says to throw it all into storage and we will sort it out later. We are too busy at the moment.
