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My eyebrow rises. “Naked?” I ask.
“That’s what I was hoping for.”
We stare at each other as the air between us swirls with something dark and familiar.
The chance to not feel—to block everything out.
A reprieve from reality.
I drain my drink and slam it down on the bar. “Let’s go.”
Eliza
October
“Eliza, go home.” Miranda, my boss, smiles. “You have three whole days off. What are you going to do?”
“Nothing much. Go to the gym, walk in Central Park, food shopping. Same stuff, different week.”
Miranda laughs. “Well, enjoy the sunshine. The weather is supposed to be beautiful this week.”
“Thanks.” I grab my bag from my locker. “See you on Friday.”
I walk up the hall toward the elevator. I love this job. I love this hospital. I feel really at home here. This is my tenth week in New York. I’ve made a few friends from the gym and I’m trying to keep myself busy.
I had no idea what I was signing myself up for when I moved across the country. Thinking back, it was so incredibly brave… or just plain stupid.
Either way, my plan didn’t work.
I haven’t heard from Nathan since the day I told him I was thinking about leaving.
So much for giving him space to sort his feelings out. I really thought we were more than this.
I exhale heavily and make my way out into the bus bay. I cross my arms and wrap my jacket around me. It’s dark and cold. Every day, it’s like I play this little game with myself. How long can I act happy before I crack and have a complete meltdown?
Tears threaten, constantly. It just takes one thing to trigger a memory, one song, the tiniest little thing, and I’m back in Heartbreak Hell, as if it just happened.
It’s hard to pretend that the love of my life hasn’t ripped my fucking heart out.
I’m losing hope. I thought it would take Nathan two weeks, at the most, to miss me.
I guess not.
The bus pulls up, and I climb on and show the driver my pass. I take a seat by the window and stare as the scenery goes rushing by.
I feel like I’m living in a detached state, hovering way above and watching myself from the sky. Living life as normal, while dealing with an insidious disease.
A frostbitten heart.
Every day, it freezes a little more and I lose another piece of myself. It’s like the Antarctica and my heart is an iceberg, slowly melting and dripping into the sea.
Never to be whole again.
I keep reminding myself that I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m working and financially independent. There are no children involved. I’m free to move on with my life.
But if I had a baby, I would have a piece of him.
One that I could keep.
