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The comedown after the high.
No matter when I fuck, who I fuck, or how hard I fuck, it always comes to a crashing halt.
I feel like shit for days.
Because it wasn’t her, and I cheated again.
Only I didn’t cheat because we aren’t together.
I just don’t know how to get my heart to understand that.
I rest my forehead against the hard, cold tiles. Regret runs through my soul.
Let me go, Eliza. Let me go.
25
Eliza
December
The table is full of laughter and chatter. I watch on as April talks to our grandfather. I’m so happy she could come home for the holidays. It’s Christmas day, and I am back in Florida. I should have really been working, but the thought of spending the holiday on my own was all too much.
This is my first Christmas alone. Normally, Nathan has come to my house or I have gone to his family’s.
This year, it
’s different.
Nathan’s parents called me this morning to say Merry Christmas. They said they wished I was there. I wonder if they even know that we were together.
I never told them, and Nathan’s mom has visited me in New York twice for lunch and never once has Nathan been mentioned. I had to bite my tongue the entire time so I didn’t blurt out and tell her what a jackass her beloved son is.
Well, that’s not true. He’s not a jackass… just to me.
I’m doing a little better—feeling proud of myself for staying strong.
I got a promotion at work and am settling in more. I’ve met three really nice girls, and we have started hanging out and doing things. I even got asked on a date this week by a security guard at my building. I mean, I’m not going or anything, but it gives me hope, you know?
Maybe there is life after Nathan Mercer.
Surely a lesson that hurt that bad has to teach me something, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, right?
I smile sadly as I sip my wine. I thought it was going to kill me for a while there.
I had an ache in my chest that just wouldn’t go away. It’s funny you know, I always thought that my grand love story was going to have a happy ending. Never once did I think that, once I fell in love with my soul mate, it wouldn’t work out.
I know that eventually I’ll meet someone else, but I can’t imagine ever loving someone as much as I loved Nathan. It’s like I’m grieving a death.
But it’s the death of who I thought I was—of who I thought my best friend was.
A death of all my hopes and dreams.
My phone dances on the table, and the name Henry lights up the screen. I smile and get up from the table.
Henry Morgan has surprised me. He’s kept in contact, and we’ve become friends. He’s called weekly to check in on me. He’s uncomplicated, refreshingly open, and I do enjoy talking to him.
“What do you want?” I answer with a smirk as I walk out onto the deck.
