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My heart drops, I just couldn’t hurt her like that. I can’t even contemplate that happening, it would kill me.
This is uncharted territory. I have no idea how my body would work with hers. But then… considering the way she makes me feel, I don’t think…
Fuck, I just don’t know.
I’ve never been so confused in my entire life.
I puff air into my cheeks as I stare at the screen. I’ve been here for five hours, going around and round in my head, searching for the right answer, knowing that I should go back to my place, but instead sitting in a bar waiting for Eliza to go sleep before I go home to her.
Home.
My chest tightens. Eliza is my home. I’m confused about everything I thought I ever wanted and if I get this wrong, I lose it all.
I allow myself to imagine what the other side of the coin would look like if, by some miracle, it did work out. I would get to be in love with my best friend. I smile, imagining the life we could have together. We could travel the world, marriage… children.
My own family; something I’ve never even contemplated before.
We could literally have it all.
I tip my head back and drain my glass.
But this could also be a disaster waiting to happen.
Just drop it.
Eliza
I lie on the couch and hold the remote up to turn off the television. I glance at my phone. It’s 11:50 p.m. I’m beat. I’ve been waiting up for Nathan.
He said he was working late but this is really late. I hope everything’s okay. I keep going over last night and the way we were with each other—the intimacy between us.
Brooke’s words from Saturday night keep coming back to me.
Why do you think Nathan has a bachelor pad?
Is he having sex with someone right now?
Uneasiness fills me, and I frown at the notion. I climb from the couch and drag myself into the bathroom. I stare at my reflection as I clean my teeth.
I’m rattled about what happened between us, trying to decipher if this is all in my head. I’m unusually clingy. I feel close to him, and yet, miles away. I hate that he’s not here. I can’t fall asleep without his hand on my behind.
I shouldn’t depend on him so much… or at all actually.
One day he’s going to meet someone and never come back and where will that leave you?
The thought of him leaving and never coming back makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Oh God, this situation is worse than I thought. The girls are right; I need to get over myself.
I must be imagining this entire thing, nothing happened between us last night.
It was a figment of my imagination, I’m horny and I’m lonely and perhaps by me making the realisati
on that I am in a rut and have given up on men, it’s making me cling onto him. Of course, that’s it. The girls are right, this is all just a mix up of feelings, nothing more and nothing less. The sooner I go on a date with someone the better. I’m way too dependent on Nathan.
Although, I can’t even admit this to myself properly but I feel like I might have feelings for him. But that’s ridiculous.
It’s just because I’m lonely and I want to feel loved.
