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“Well, what does the therapist say?”
“He thinks…” I pause as I try to articulate Elliot’s words, “that perhaps I was unconsciously trying to protect myself from getting hurt again, and it’s only recently that my body has caught up with my heart.”
He listens intently as he watches me. “Is that what you think?”
I shrug and take a gulp of my beer.
“You do love Eliza.” He offers an explanation.
“I do,” I reply without hesitation. “No doubt about that. I have always loved her.”
“So, what’s the problem? If you love her and you’re physically attracted to her, what’s the problem?”
“Eliza is home to me, Alex. If I fuck this up…”
“Nathe.” He sighs. “I know that Eliza is the only thing that kept you sane while you were going through your breakup with Robert, but….”
“She was.” After I broke up with Robert, I went through a particularly wild time in my life. I was single and young with a broken heart. I’d never been sexually active and free before. It was all so new. I would party hard, and my friend dates with Eliza were the only thing that kept me on the straight and narrow. I toed the line because of her. I take a big gulp of my beer. “Another two, please,” I ask the waiter.
“She probably doesn’t feel the same, and… what if I don’t like it?” I stare straight ahead.
“Like what?”
“The sex. How the fuck do you suddenly start liking women at the age of thirty-four?”
He shakes his head and laughs quietly, like I’m an idiot.
“What’s that laugh for?”
“You want to hear what I think? I think that you just happened to fall in love with a guy first. And I think that it perhaps molded you into thinking that only men could give you the type of sex you want.”
“What?” I scowl.
He holds his hand up. “Listen to me for a minute. You have said to me on many occasions that you like rough sex, have you not?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me, Nathe, do you think that a woman could handle how rough you are in bed?”
“No. I don’t.” I shake my head. “No way.”
“Do you think that when you broke up with Robert, you gravitated toward men because they were familiar to you and you didn’t have to think? You could just fuck and forget about the world. Is it possible that you associate the type of sex you like… to the sex of the person?”
“What?”
“I believe that you think only men can take it how you want to give it.”
I stare at him, a clusterfuck of confusion tearing through my mind.
“Nathe, women like it rough. I can’t fuck Jessica any harder than I do.”
“What are you saying?”
“I think that if you slept with a woman… you maybe wouldn’t…” His voice trails off.
My eyes hold his, waiting.
“Okay, let’s go through this.” He begins to count on his fingers. “You don’t have any gay friends, other than ex-boyfriends. Your male friends are all heterosexual. You hate gay bars. You hate anything camp. You have never picked up someone in a bar in front of anyone you know. You have never ever battled with your sexuality like most do. You have never battled with coming out because a title has never bothered you.” He holds up his counted fingers. “That’s eight. Ten. Don’t you think that if you were truly a gay man that you would want the world to see who you really are?”
