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Sadness fills me. That makes two of us.
Half an hour and a good cry later, I wash my face and reapply my makeup.
I’m here for Neil’s birthday, and I need to get over myself.
I have no right to feel hurt. Nathan isn’t my boyfriend—we’re just friends.
I’m going to put a smile on my face, and I’m going to go downstairs. I’m going to be the friend that Nathan needs. I can’t stop seeing the pain on his face when he told me he doesn’t know who he is.
I know who he is. He’s a beautiful man that I care about, and I want to wrap him in my love and support him through whatever he’s going through.
I practice my broad smile in the mirror.
“Nathan, let’s dance,” I say.
My smile slips because behind it I can see the hurt in my eyes, even if no one else will. There’s no denying it to myself. I’m cut to the bone. A tiny part of my heart wishes it were me that Nathan had feelings for. Maybe that tiny part of my heart loves him, and maybe that tiny part of me will always feel like this.
I smile sadly. Nathan calls my vagina Tiny. Oh, the irony.
“Eliza?” I hear a voice call.
I quickly wipe my eyes and pat my cheeks. “In here!” I call happily from the bathroom.
Alex, Nathan’s only brother, comes into view and smiles. “There you are. I was looking for you.”
I put my lipstick back into my beauty case and zip it up. “I’m coming now.”
His eyes linger on mine, and I know that he knows. Alex is the only person that Nathan talks to about his sexuality.
“You okay?” he asks softly.
I nod, but suddenly, I feel all weak again, and my tears simmer dangerously close to the surface. “Yep.”
Don’t be nice to me or I’ll crack.
He sits on the side of the b
athtub. “You want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “Nope.” I do, but I know that I can’t, because I will cry and make this selfishly about me.
Why am I feeling like this?
Alex stands and takes me in his arms. The kindness of that act makes the stupid tears well again.
“I have to ask you something,” he says. He pulls back to look at me. “Do you have feelings for Nathan?”
“I love Nathan, you know that.” I sigh as I pull out of his arms.
“So, what do you make of all this?”
I exhale heavily. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just rattled because of the way I found out. He didn’t even tell me, Alex.”
“He doesn’t have feelings for her, he’s just attracted to her. That’s all. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Same thing.” I shrug.
“No, it’s not—not for a guy. They are a mile apart.”
