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“Does that mean that she has feelings for you?” I ask.
He shrugs. “She would if I were single,” he sighs. “Can we not talk about this, please. Amelie is a dear friend who has been with me for a long time when I have been very lonely. She doesn’t have a deceitful bone in her body and she will respect our relationship. I have spoken about you for years to her and she knows what you mean to me. She wants me to be happy, Tash.” I smile and nod and internally swear to myself I will never bring this up to him again. He is under her spell and in all things in Joshua’s world I have been wary of.
I know I have just met my only competition.
Joshua’s phone goes off at two in the morning and he jumps out of bed.
“Hi,” he answers and then he listens. “I’ll be right there.” He hangs up. He starts to pull on his clothes. “Freya is really sick, baby, and I’m going to help Am. Go back to sleep. I might be all night.”
“Ok,” I whisper sleepily. He bends down and kisses me.
“Love you. Max is here in the room next door so you are not alone,” he whispers and then he is gone.
I wake with a start. I’m still alone. Joshua didn’t come home. He must be still at the stables with Amelie and the horse. My stomach sinks—what have they been doing all night? Stop it, you idiot. Without trust you have nothing—the words I have preached to clients for years are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance. Why has he been gone so long? I am determined not to go to him so I make myself some breakfast and sit on the steps in the sun with a coffee. Three hours later, at ten o’clock, still no word from Joshua. I’m starting to become unsettled. A girl rides up on a horse and I hear her tell one of the other workers.
“They lost her. She died about half an hour ago.” Oh shit, the horse died. I walk inside and find Max.
“Can you take me to the stables please?” He nods and finds the keys and drives me in silence to the stables. I wish he would talk more. It would be handy having his insight on things. He parks the car and stays outside. I walk up to the stone building and my heart is in my throat. Why hasn’t he come looking for me? As I turn the corner it becomes very apparent why. Amelie is in Joshua’s arms crying; she is obviously devastated. He is comforting her and talking softly into her ear as he cuddles her and kisses her temple. They look good together. There is a deep connection between them. I can feel it from here. I stand still, rooted to the spot in shock. Out of the corner of his eye Joshua sees me and jumps back from her…a guilty response if I ever saw one. My gut twists as I stand still.
“Tash…we…we lost her,” he whispers.
I nod. “I know, I’m sorry. I will give you some privacy,” I stammer and I turn to walk out. “Natasha, don’t go,” Josh calls as he sprints out after me. I feel like I have just witnessed and interrupted something private between the two of them.
“Tash, I want you to stay. Amelie has to wait for the autopsy guys to come and I don’t want her waiting alone. Just stay here with us. It won’t be long.” He grabs my hand and kisses the back of it. My eyes flick to Amelie and she quickly looks down at the ground and bites her bottom lip to hide her hurt at his open affection towards me. My blood runs cold and my gut instincts kick in.
At this moment in time I am absolutely certain of three things. Amelie is in love with Joshua and I am in love with Joshua. And Joshua is in love with the both of us. His past has met with his present but which one of us will he choose in the end? And when it is all over, who can make him the happiest? I’m afraid of the answer to that question because in all honesty I just don’t know.
After everything we have been through, am I going to lose him anyway?
He sighs as he puts his head into the crook of my neck and kisses it. I can feel his heart beating in his chest, his body still inside mine. We are back in my bed in the afterglow of love – making, having arrived back in Sydney yesterday. I’m not myself. I haven’t been since meeting Amelie.
“Natasha, so help me god…what’s wrong baby?” he whispers as he lifts up onto his elbows so he can look at my face.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” I breathe. He bends and tenderly kisses me again, his eyes searching mine. “Tell me why I just made love to a completely different woman then?” I swallow the lump in my throat and look away, his piercing gaze too much for my fragile nerves.
“What do you mean Josh?” I whisper as he kisses me again.
“When we fuck…we fuck. But when we make love…I can feel it. Every cell in my body can feel how much you love me. You have never detached from me like that before. It felt like you didn’t even know me.” My lip starts to tremble and tears threaten. Do we have to have this conversation when I am emotionally weak from orgasm and he is still inside me?
“Maybe I don’t, Josh,” I whisper as my eyes fill with tears.
He frowns. “You feel like you don’t know me? What does that mean?” he whispers as he pulls out of me and rolls me on my side to face him. Tears roll down my face and I am appalled at my own insecurity. I am getting a firsthand lesson that one of the most destructive emotions in a relationship is the poison of insecurity. I am frozen with fear.
“Baby,” he whispers as he pulls me into an embrace and kisses my face. “What’s wrong sweetheart? I can’t fix it if I don’t know,” he whispers.
“I know Josh,” I sob and he frowns. “I know you’re in love with Amelie,” I whisper.
He gives me a sad smile and nods. “It’s true I do love Amelie,” he whispers. I start to sob uncontrollably. I knew it. “But I’m not in love with Amelie. I’m in love with you. I don’t want to be with Amelie, I love her like a friend. I have no sexual attraction to her whatsoever. We have common interests Tash. We both live in a country without our families. I feel very differently about her than I do you.” He cuddles me close as I listen to his words. “It’s different between us, presh, you know that. Actually you even told me that you loved your ex–boyfriends but it was missing something because it wasn’t me,” he whispers. I listen—that is true.
“Do you feel like?”How do I articulate what I want to say? “Do you feel like our relationship is holding you back from her?” I whisper. He actually has the hide to laugh. He bends and kisses my lips again.
“You’re so fucking perfect, you know that, don’t you? I could never be loyal to Amelie, Tash. She’s not strong enough to hold me and I’m not sexually attracted to her. I would be playing up within a week and I know that—she knows that. Trust me I have slept in that house with her in the bedroom next to me for five years and never once have I wanted to go in. Whereas just the mention of your name makes me rock hard and ready to fuck. Besides,” he grabs me on the ass, “I like witty brunette beautiful sluts who are gagging for it.” He smiles. I punch him in the stomach and he laughs out loud. He pushes the hair off my face and kisses me tenderly again.
“I know it’s not going to be easy moving with me, Tash, but I promise you Amelie is not going to be the problem. I have even asked her to move out of the main house and into the farm next door. I knew you were uncomfortable with her there and seeing I love it so much I want you to love it too.”
I give him a sad smile. “Do you think I’m being a drama queen Josh?” I whisper.
