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He shrugs again and then smiles as Henry and Richard my work colleague come out of the doorway and we walk into the room together. There are four rows of eight chairs on each side with mahogany large benches at the front of the room. We all take our seats. There are only ten people in the room. Three psychologists, three solicitors and four prison wardens. I am achingly aware I am the only woman present. Jesten is at the right of the room in my peripheral vision and for some reason that is strangely comforting. The judge arrives and we all stand in silence as he enters the room and sits. Coby Allender is led into the room in handcuffs. He looks around the room and then his eyes connect with mine, they bore through me and then he smiles icily. I drop my eyes immediately. I’m too fragile for this shit. The court case carries on but I am too distracted by the fact that the suspected serial killer’s eyes have not left me since he entered the room and I can feel the evil emanating from his every pore. How long has it been since he has seen a woman? I can feel my heart rate picking up as fear starts to send me into a panic. Between nightmares, philandering boyfriends and heartbreak I am very fragile indeed. Why is he still looking at me? Don’t look at him, don’t look at him, I chastise myself. I know he’s trying to freak me out, and it’s fucking working. I’m starting to sweat here.
Henry leans over and whispers. “He’s just trying to scare you. Don’t look at him.”
I nod and put my head down. He’s right, just look down. Stop freaking out. The court case carries on and my mind starts to wander. What’s Joshua doing now? Who’s he with? I must be in a daydream but before I realise the court case finishes. My eyes flick to the psychopath in front of me. His eyes are still locked on me, he smiles, slowly licks his lips and blows me a kiss. I drop my head again. Forget criminology, this is fucked up shit I don’t need messing with my head. Who was I kidding? I can’t deal with criminals, I would end up a head case. He is led out of the room by the handcuffs and I blow out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Let this day be over!
The drive home from work is long … and silent. Max doesn’t feel the need to talk and I don’t have one positive thing to say, so why bother. I hate negativity. I never imagined I would have so much of it coursing through my veins … where does it come from? And, more importantly, how do I get rid of it? My headache is back, and it’s starting to thump. In the two months since Dad’s death I have had six migraines, what a bitch those things are, I had no idea. On a few occasions Max and Bridget have called the doctor to my house and he has given me a needle to knock me out for two days. Stress-related is what he called it—I call it toxic information overload. The poison from my heart seeping into my brain cells, one by one. It’s the weekend so at least I can just relax and sleep. It’s funny, through the day when I should be doing things that are constructive all I want to do is sleep but at night when I should be sleeping all I can do is think … about him … with her. It’s poisoning me. I am riddled with guilt as my mind goes over the patients I have treated and how I have analysed them void of emotion. Bethany. Beautiful, smart Bethany, I saw her just today. She is also in love with an adulterer, she refused to give up and she stayed for love. But at what cost? She has no self-esteem, no sexual confidence and an inability to orgasm. She has children to him … so in effect she is trapped. So even though she stayed for love, she has been rewarded with hate … for herself. Today I sat and listened to her talk, and looked deep into the mirror. I felt like I was having an out- of-body experience. I could relate to everything she told me, every emotion, every fear. When she cried … I cried, the tears weren’t for her. They were for me. If I go back to my beloved Joshua, in five years I will be Bethany. Petrified that every time he walks out the front door he is going to meet up with her. Petrified that I am not pretty enough, funny enough … sexy enough.
In all honesty I don’t think any woman could hold my beautiful Joshua forever, he’s just not wired that way, even though I know he desperately wants to be. He tried … and failed. I gave everything to him and still in the end it wasn’t enough.
I don’t trust him, I have lost all faith in his words. I never trusted her. But I trusted him with my heart and he broke it. I know I will never love again like I did him … and that’s ok, I don’t want to.
We pull in and Max turns and looks at me. He frowns, “You ok?”
I nod as I look into my lap. “Yeah, I can feel another migraine coming. It will pass.” I smile at him. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?” I whisper.
He gives me a sad smile and sits silently, watching me. I can tell he wants to say something but is holding his tongue. He’s leaving me, I know it. He just doesn’t know how to tell me. He and Mum have become good friends and I know they talk about me. I can hear them late at night when they think I am asleep. He’s worried about me … I’m worried about me. I need to snap out of this … shitty time I’m having.
We get out of the car and walk quietly up the stairs.
“Tash, take your phone out of your bag, honey,” he whispers as we get to my door.
I frown at him.
“Do it,” he whispers. I do as he asks.
“I will stand right here ok. You call me if you need me. I’ll be right at the door.”
I frown at him as I open the door and step back in shock. Joshua is standing front and centre in my lounge room. His haunted eyes meet mine. My eyes immediately fill with tears and I close the door silently behind me.
Dear god … he’s so beautiful. A wave of affection rolls over me. Why? Why has he come? I can’t take this, I’m not strong enough.
He is wearing his three-piece navy suit, his armour from the outside world. His dark hair and skin are in contrast to his white shirt. His hands are in his pockets. I stand still, rooted to the spot.
“Natasha,” he whispers.
Instantly my lip quivers and my tears fall onto my cheeks. He rushes me and grabs me into an embrace, where I fall against his chest.
We stand still and silent. His arms around me and my arms straight at my sides. I sob out loud. I want to stay in his arms … I can’t say goodbye. I’m not strong enough, I can’t do this. He kisses my temple. “Tash … I’ve missed you.”
The lump in my throat forms and I can’t speak. I want to tell him I’ve missed him
too, but I can’t. I need to be strong for the both of us. I need to set him free so he can be with Amelie … I know he loves her. He just doesn’t realise it yet and he won’t, until I release him. He kisses my face again, his eyes close in reverence. I need to do this, I need to get it over with.
I pull out of his embrace and fold my arms in front of me in defence. He bites his bottom lip as he thinks.
“Natasha, let me explain. I need to tell you what happened that night,” he whispers. I want to scream at him to get out but I need to hear this.
I nod nervously.
“Tash, I was … so sad. I didn’t think you were coming back to me. Cameron and Adrian had sat me down that day and told me I needed to snap out of it and they didn’t think you were coming back either.” He shakes his head in regret as his eyes fill with tears. “I went to Willowvale. I hadn’t been there since I came back to America. I wanted to see Jasper.”
I stand still as I picture what he is telling me, my face expressionless.
He swallows again. “I had dinner with Amelie and a few glasses of wine.”
He shakes his head too quickly. “I finished up and went to my room. I had a shower and I had come out of the bathroom with a towel around me.”
My eyes close in pain.
