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I wanted to touch his arm or something. ‘Don’t be like that, come on.’
‘Why the fuck are you doing that?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘No. You don’t know? Fuck, how can you do that?’ He was disgusted with me. It was sliding out of him more easily now.
‘It’s what I’m doing right now. I don’t know. It’s not a big deal.’
‘What the fuck, Mira, it is a big deal. How can you actually do that?’
‘Because, I don’t know, it’s in me. I don’t know. That’s how I can do it.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘I mean … I don’t know. I mean, maybe I was meant to do it.’
‘No. You really fucking believe that?’
‘I don’t know. Yeah. Maybe it was something people always said to me.’
‘Who? Who said it? Guys said that to you?’
‘No. Sometimes … ’ Were you always this disgusted with me?
‘That’s embarrassing, fuck. I don’t know how you can do that.’
I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I didn’t want to say another word. Suddenly Ezrah turned around and stared at me. He was looking at my cleavage.
‘I’m going to come and see you.’
‘No you’re not.’
‘Yes I am.’
‘No you’re fucking not!’
‘Any dumb bastard can go see you naked? So? So can I.’
‘Fuck off.’ Fuck you. Ever since we were kids. Fuck you.
Our breaths were filling up the car. I opened the window and heard a song coming out of the synagogue. I knew it was the last one. A bunch of people all crying together, not wanting to die.
‘It’s almost over in there,’ I said.
Ezrah got out of the car and left me. I watched him walk through the big wooden doors of the temple.
I felt like laughing for a second. I didn’t even tell him the whole thing. That after a while I didn’t even think the men were that bad. That I’d had their fingers up me. That I let them kiss my breasts. That they’d sucked me, stroked my head. That I wanted this one man, Gio, to fuck me so bad.
I stayed in the car until I saw my family come out of the synagogue with the crowd. My father and mother had circles under their eyes. Ezrah was there, talking to my mother. I didn’t care. I hated him then. He looked tired and mean, just like his dad. As I watched him I was thinking about later that night, about getting stoned and dancing at the club with Adi. I wondered what she would think of Ezrah. Of me sitting in the car with him, atoning for my sins.
Adi made all the arrangements for us to move upstairs. I did it because I wanted to get out of my parents’ place for good. After a few months at the club, I’d made pretty good money and Adi said that we’d make a lot more if we lived up there. I usually made at least $150 per shift and always extra if I did stuff in the back. Adi said that the girls who took guys up to their rooms could make over $800 a night! Management took 35 percent at the end of the week, plus $150 for laundry and phone. I thought that was a lot, but Adi said we could stiff them a bit, pretend like our tips were smaller than they were and just give 35 percent on the standard fees: $75 for a blow job, $150 for full service.
I didn’t think so much about what it would be like living up there when I said yes. Making big tips was part of the thrill of the whole thing.
The day we moved in, I waited in a little area outside the office with my stuff while Adi got our keys. I wanted to know how she got into dancing, but it always seemed like a stupid question right before I was going to ask. I mean, I knew it was probably complicated because of immigration. I’d seen Nadia’s disgusting father once at the club, with this young Russian girl who looked almost skeletal. I went downstairs the second I saw him and stayed for two hours.
After a few minutes, this guy stuck his head out of the office. He looked at me like something was wrong with my clothes. I’d never seen that guy at the club before. He was short and thin, with brushed-back black hair. I opened my mouth to say something or smile, but he just turned and closed the door.
