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‘Have you read them?’ I asked.
John shook his head. ‘He’s waiting for a big audience, you know? He doesn’t want to waste his time on any community theatre shit.’
‘Why doesn’t he ever come back to see me?’
‘I think he’s working on something big. He’ll come back soon, don’t worry, Mira.’
Maybe I stayed with John because he seemed okay in the world. I mean, that he was okay considering everything he’d been through. I’d never been through any of that stuff. I didn’t want to be with him though. I knew that. Especially not the way he wanted to be with me. I remember thinking it was okay if I did it for a little while, but after that time they tried to film me with that guy Joel, I really just wanted to spit it all out. I knew Michael wasn’t coming back. And I hated John’s smoke-and-beer smell. It was always there now, as if it were my smell too.
The night we broke up, I really didn’t want him to go down on me again, and when he started to anyway, I pushed his head away.
‘Let me, babe!’ John begged. ‘Come on, let me eat your pussy. I love it so much, it tastes so good.’
I started coughing uncontrollably. John lifted his head and got up off his knees. He went to the bathroom to get me some water. When I didn’t want the water, he said, ‘What’s the problem here, Mira?’
I was thinking: How does anything ever really end?
‘What? What’s wrong with you, Mira?’
‘I don’t want to do this anymore,’ I said.
John’s eyes sagged down. ‘Hey, I just want to be your dog. How many times have I told you that, babe?’
‘But I don’t want to anymore.’
John got an old joint from the table beside the bed. He started smoking it and didn’t offer me any. He was really angry. The room started to shrink. ‘You don’t want to see me anymore, is that it?’
I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my back to him. I was looking around for my bra.
‘Why? Huh, Mira? You tell me.’
‘I don’t feel anything.’
‘Aw, fuck.’
‘I’m sorr– ’
‘Don’t say that. Just don’t say that. After everything we’ve been through together. Fuck it, I don’t fucking believe you.’
‘I’m sorry, I just – ’
‘I said, don’t say that!’ John was pacing around in front of me. He started pulling at his chin.
‘John … ’
‘No. Shut up. If that’s what you want, Mira, then just go.’
‘Go? Go where?’
‘Goddammit. Just go. Get out!’
‘But it’s too late right now.’
‘So?’
‘How am I going to get home?’
‘I don’t know. A smart girl like you will think of something.’
