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Emily: Taylor Swift?
Quinn: I will throw hands if you come for my girl.
Emily: Okay, go listen to some T-Swift, because we are definitely “broken up.” It was nice chatting with you, but I have to go yell at three men who somehow turned all of our white linens pink the other day while I was at lunch with you.
Quinn: I will pray for their souls.
Quinn: You never answered me if pets are allowed at the cottages. I mean, I don’t have a pet right now, but I could possibly find a pet while I’m staying there, and I just need to know if I’ll be allowed to bring it home.
Emily: I thought we already decided it wasn’t a good idea for you to stay here.
Quinn: No, you told me it wasn’t a good idea, and I decided not to listen. So, pets. Yay or nay?
Emily: Yes, pets are allowed. We let Tess bring home Bodhi, and he wasn’t even housebroken. But you cannot honestly think this is a good idea! Everyone will assume we’re still “together.”
Quinn: According to US Weekly, we’re vacationing in Costa Rica. That sounds fun! And definitely like we’re still together.
Emily: OMG. My point exactly. The longer you wait to release a statement about our “break-up,” the worse this is going to get.
Quinn: Clearly you’ve never been to Costa Rica. It’s the BEST you can get. It’s not like they said we were vacationing in Cleveland.
Emily: Will you just release the statement already and make all of our lives easier? I’m still fielding questions from everyone here on this damn island who still refuse to believe me when I say we aren’t together.
Quinn: Sounds to me like it would just be easier to go along with it until something more exciting comes along.
Emily: Have you not been paying attention? This is literally the most exciting thing that has ever happened on this island. They’re already planning on naming a street after you, and April 20th is now officially Quinn Bagley day.
Quinn: April 20th??? That’s National Weed Day. Oh, God… Bodhi will never forgive me.
Emily: And I will never forgive you if you don’t get this shit cleared up already!
Quinn: Fine. I’ll take care of it ASAP.
Emily: Thank you.
Emily: Remember when I told you to take care of our “break-up”? Funny thing happened, and well… I’m gonna need a little more time.
Quinn: Who is this?
Emily: Very funny.
Emily: Wait. Are you fake dating more than one woman???
Quinn: Fake dating you is exhausting enough. What happened to you wanting to get rid of me?
Emily: Look, I was a different person when I said that.
Quinn: I believe it was an hour ago.
Emily: Right. That was before my mother called and guilt-tripped me into bringing you for dinner Saturday night, because everyone on the island got to meet you except for them, and she found out we had lunch with your boss. She wouldn’t take no for an answer, because she still thinks I’m playing up the “we’re not dating” thing for privacy reasons and that I’m just being selfish for keeping you away from them. It’s really a special kind of hell on earth for me right now. It’s easier to just agree with everything she says. This is why I still run their business, even though I’d rather eat glass.
Quinn: That’s not what your mom is serving for dinner, is it?
Emily: Look, can you make it to dinner Saturday night and suffer through my parents telling you embarrassing stories about me so at every family function for the rest of my life I don’t have to hear, “Remember that time Emily disappointed us and let the entire island meet her famous Professional Football League boyfriend before us?” Because she still brings up the time when I was six and wrote her a Mother’s Day card that said the thing I liked best about my mom is when she’s not talking, every single year on Mother’s Day. I can’t live with this kind of negativity for the rest of my life too.
Quinn: So what you’re saying is, you need me.
Emily: Sure. I did you a favor and went to lunch with you, and now I need you to do me a favor. Attend this one dinner with me, and then we can break up and never annoy each other again.
Quinn: Flattery will get you everywhere.
Emily: Is that a yes?
Quinn: I’m really busy staring at my reflection in this store window while I wait for Patrick to get finished at the dentist so we can go get lunch. I’ll have to get back to you when I don’t have so much on my plate.
Emily: Ha ha. Will you do this for me or not?
Quinn: I can’t talk right now; I’m doing hot guy shit.
Quinn: For fuck’s sake, your mom is scary!
Emily: How do you know how scary my mom is?
