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In case he became unable to feel anymore. His time with Noa … it was always going to have been too good to be true. He’d expected it to come crashing down at some point, expected his fucked-up soul to pollute the only pure gift he’d ever been given. At least he’d had her for a time. In the end, that would have to have been enough.
Noa came to stand before him, as if she could sense something was wrong. She was silent as Diel sat on the end of the bed, limbs heavy and eyes swollen from lack of sleep. His head was blissfully numb, but he knew the moment wouldn’t last. Lately, it never did. The mental whirlwind of destruction would be back, bringing the pain and the racking thoughts that constantly spun too far out of his reach to understand.
“Train, then we see my sister.”
Diel nodded, letting Noa’s stern voice drift over him like a dream. She stepped closer and pressed her forehead to his. He placed his hands on her hips, just holding her close. Breathing her in. “Don’t give up yet, baby,” she whispered, pleading, and his stomach turned at the hint of fear in her usually unwavering voice.
He looked into her eyes. Noa was formidable, rarely showed her vulnerability; she was one of the strongest people Diel knew. But right now, staring back at him was Noa completely exposed, heart and soul on display for only him to see. His heart lobbed into a staccato beat, a flicker of fight bursting from the quicksand of exhaustion. Noa inhaled a shaky breath. “I …” She looked through the window to the grounds beyond, then back at him. “I need you.”
Diel swallowed, and warmth spread through his body like stepping into a Middle Eastern desert after months enduring an Arctic winter. His heart fell when he saw Noa’s eyes shimmer and her lips tremble.
“Noa …” he said, voice hoarse and thick with emotion.
But she clasped her hands around his neck, and with her nose kissing his said, “We’ll get you through this.”
Diel closed his eyes and exhaled a defeated sigh. When he opened his eyes, he felt the scar around his neck pulsing. “Maybe …” He threaded his arms around her back, her leather-covered chest flush to his bare torso. “Maybe I need the collar.”
Noa tensed, then shook her head. “No, Diel,” she said firmly. “That isn’t the problem. You can’t be bound that way. You can’t live that way.”
Diel didn’t have it within him to argue back. He looked up through heavy lashes and said to the woman who had become as constant to him as life-giving heartbeats, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” His broad shoulders sagged. “I’m going to break. I’m going to hurt someone …” Dread infused his blood. “I might fall too deeply into darkness and hurt you.”
“You won’t,” Noa said with unwavering faith. Diel went to argue, but she slid her hands to his cheeks again and made him look at her. “I think I might know what is wrong.”
Diel stilled. The very air around him froze, and a flicker of something like hope sparked in his chest. “You … you do?”
Noa nodded, but he caught the flash of uncertainty flitting across her face. He saw a fragment of doubt settle in those eyes he loved so much. She swallowed, and the confidence in her voice returned. “Just … trust me. Let us try something first, before …” Her head lowered, forehead back against his, as if some part of them always had to be touching. In the eight weeks they’d been together, they’d barely been apart.
He felt the desperation drifting off of her. What Noa didn’t understand was that he would do anything for her. He would die for her …
What Noa didn’t know was that he believed he loved her. He didn’t know love or understand the signs. But to Diel, she felt like the sun on his face. A drink of water when his thirst was too much. She was his true north, the gravity that kept him grounded to earth.
“Okay,” Diel said. Noa lifted her head, hope blossoming across her face. She nodded in relief and guided Diel off the bed and toward the door. Just as they were about to leave the suite, Noa turned and moved to the tips of her toes to kiss him. It wasn’t passionate or filled with lust and need, but soft and laced with gratitude. Diel kissed her back, and they went out of the door and to the gym.
They were the last to arrive. The minute they walked toward the Coven and the Fallen, gathered in the center of the room, Sela caught Diel’s eye. His best friend narrowed his gaze on Diel and made a move toward him. Noa held his hand tighter. Sela stopped before him. “What’s wrong?”
