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I dragged my hand down my face and looked around, unsure what I was even looking for. I vaguely remembered the accident, remembered the men who yanked me out of the truck. The memory of the pole came back to me, when I hit it head on. “What’s going on?”
“You were an asshole,” he snapped. “That’s what’s going on.”
I turned back to Max, seeing the rage on his face that I heard in his voice.
“I knew you weren’t okay…”
I looked at the monitor with my vitals, but I didn’t understand any of the numbers, so I looked away. It took me a while to come back to myself, to remember where I was and how I got there.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” He stood up, his shoulders hunched with rage. “They had to pump your stomach because you had so much alcohol in your system they thought you might die. What the fuck, Bones?”
I remembered the bar. I remembered the second bar…and the third. I remembered being cut off by one bartender before I headed to another. Most of it was a blur, but I definitely remember losing my mind…and my control.
“You smashed into a pole. No one else was hurt.”
That was good news.
“You broke a few ribs, got a concussion, and you have a nasty cut in your forehead. But the doctors say you’re going to be fine…thankfully.”
Why didn’t that make me feel better? Why did I wish I was dead instead?
Max’s rage slowly drifted away as he stared at me. He must have seen the defeat in my gaze and knew yelling at me wouldn’t make any kind of difference. I’d already hit rock bottom. He couldn’t make me feel worse. “I didn’t know it was this bad, man.”
I looked away, unable to meet his gaze. The past five weeks had been spent in isolation. The only company I had was my booze. It seemed to blur my thoughts, so I kept drinking because it helped me think about nothing at all.
Helped me not think about her.
“Talk to me.” He came closer to the bed, standing over me. Now he looked like a concerned friend…a concerned brother.
“I’m fine.” My voice came out surprisingly strong for how weak I was. “I’m fine…”
“Cut the shit.” His eyes narrowed. “You aren’t fine. I’m not letting you out of here until you say otherwise. You have a serious problem, Bones. If you don’t get it fixed, I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
I turned my head the other way, not wanting to see his disappointment. “I got carried away…didn’t realize how much I drank.”
“Bullshit. You knew exactly how much you drank.”
“Maybe at the beginning of the night…but not the end.”
“Were you trying to get yourself killed?” he demanded.
It didn’t sound like the worst thing in the world.
When I didn’t answer, he spoke again. “No more booze for you. I’m serious.”
I wanted to argue, but after all the damage I’d done, I knew he was right.
“You have a problem—a big one.”
I had no self-control. I had no purpose. I didn’t realize how much Vanessa meant to me until she was gone. I knew I loved her, would die for her, but I hadn’t realized just how much she did for me…how she made me better. Now that she was gone…I had nothing to live for. “I know…”
“Until you get better, no more. Not a drop.”
I didn’t care if I lived or died, but I did care about Max and the guys. If something happened to me, they would never get over it. We were a family. It was the first time in my life I was embarrassed by something I’d done. It was the first time I felt like apologizing for a crime I’d committed.
“Understand me?”
I nodded. “Am I going to jail tonight?”
“No. No one is pressing charges.”
Looked like our arrangement with the police was still intact.
“If you hurt someone…it might have been a different story. Thankfully, you didn’t.”
“How’s my truck?”
“In worse shape than you are.”
I nodded even though I didn’t know why.
Max sighed before he pulled up a chair and sat down. “I didn’t call her…but do you want me to?”
There was nothing I wanted more than to see her walk through that door with tears in her eyes. Her love was the only thing that could make me better. Any other time I was down, I got lost in pussy. But I hadn’t done that because I wasn’t ready to be with another woman, to really say goodbye to the woman I loved. “No.”
“You’re sure?”
I nodded. “It’ll just make it harder…for both of us.” I hadn’t called her even though I almost did a few times. I hadn’t gone to Florence to check on her because I knew she didn’t need my protection anymore. I hadn’t given into my urges to be with her because nothing had changed. And if I saw that beautiful face, I would have to start all over…and these past five weeks had been hard enough. I didn’t want to think about how hard it’d been for her. It would just make me feel like shit.
