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Steeling myself with confidence, I decide this is going to be an experience I will remember for the rest of my life. And until I find my Mr. Right, why not have a little bit of me time learning new things, traveling the world, exploring? There'll be plenty of time to be settled down with my plus one.
Once we have lowered ourselves into the caves, I’m enthralled. It's as beautiful as promised. There are bats flying overhead, but it's dark and cool. The temperature is low, stalagmites on the cave floor as tall as me, and stalactites hanging from the ceiling. It feels like a holy space, sacred – like we've gone back in time.
After we’ve swam and walked through the maze of caves for an hour, the guide leads us into a big open pool of water.
"We're going to pause here," the guide says, "and lie on our backs. With your life vests on, you'll be buoyed, and we're going to have a few minutes of silence, just taking in the moment. Everyone turn off your headlamps."
I smile, liking the low-key approach to this experience. As I'm lying on my back, surrounded by pitch black, I feel like I’m in outer space, in a galaxy far, far away. The algae in the water seems to sparkle when my fingertips move. I gasp at the beauty around me. I'm so lost in the moment that when the tour guide tells us to turn on our headlamps and continue on, I find that I'm last in the group, trailing behind.
I scramble to keep up, but as the group turns to the right into a smaller tunnel, I start to panic. It's too small, too tight in here. My mom was right. I am feeling claustrophobic. This maze is getting smaller and smaller.
"Can I turn back?" I ask. "I don't really like it in here."
The person in front of me doesn't speak English, yet she lifts a hand, trying to get the instructor's attention.
"Excusez-moi? Au secours!?"
But the instructor doesn't hear her and everyone continues to move ahead. Feeling alone and lost, I give myself a pep talk. “Come on, Rosalie, you can do this. Just keep on moving.”
But by the time I've given myself a coaching session, the group is only getting farther and farther ahead. This is why you have a partner. I need someone looking out for me.
I squeeze my eyes shut, telling myself to focus. It's okay, it's going to be okay. Take a deep breath in, a deep breath out. I wish the French lady would have waited for me, but she had children with her and she had to keep walking ahead and now I'm all alone in the dark.
I try to adjust my headlamp to make it brighter, but it falls into the water. And then it's pitch dark.
I start to cry. "Help," I shout, but everyone's gone too far ahead and I'm alone in the dark cave. I crouch down, reaching for my headlamp in the water. I finally wrap my fingers around it but when I pull it from the water, I see it's not a headlamp, it's just a rock.
Frustrated, I grunt, sinking into the side of the wall. At least I'm not hyperventilating anymore. Now I'm just irritated that I lost my lamp, that I'm in the dark, and that the group is farther ahead.
Trying to get a grip, I close my eyes, taking big breaths in and big breaths out. When I open them again, I notice a space in the wall of the cave where light's getting in.
I step toward it, realizing it's more than a crevice, it's a hole that I can climb out of. I do, crawling through the cave, taking in deep lungfuls of air.
I'm not stuck. I'm not lost. I'm not... Wait a second. I turn around, my feet on the muddy floor of the jungle, but when I look back to the cave, there's nothing but a firm rock wall.
I know I just climbed through it, but there's no entrance, no way to get back to the group. Confused, I run my hands up and down the rock, trying to find the hole where I just climbed out but there isn't anything, any space at all.
"Help," I scream. "I don't get it. What happened?" Panicking at being alone here in the jungle, I wish I had brought my phone with me to figure out my location, but I have nothing but this wetsuit and a pair of water shoes.
Okay, I just need to calm down. I walk to the left, thinking if I just get to the entrance of the cave I can find someone with the tour. Then I stop. What if it's better to go to the end of the cave where everyone will be coming out? Is that faster? I don't know how long this tour was supposed to last.
