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“Quit talking about ‘supposed to’ and ‘shouldn’t’ and blah, blah, blah,” Katie said. “Let yourself feel things, for God’s sake.”
I puffed out a laugh. “Katie, I have been trying to stop myself from feeling things my whole life, using alcohol and drugs,” I said.
“Exactly. And that’s why this is going to hurt sometimes, and feel amazing other times. You just removed the big, cozy, comfortable filter of substances from your life.”
I hummed. “You’re right. Obviously,” I said.
“So you either have to tell Red you aren’t going to release the video, or… release it, and learn to live with the pain of wanting him. He needs the money, right?”
I swallowed. “There is another way,” I said.
“What?”
“I could… finally demand the money Colin owes me. Get him to pay me back.”
“No.”
“Hear me out—”
“No, no, no,” she said. “No talking to Colin. For any reason. Hell, I would rather loan you ten grand than ever have you talk with him again.”
“That’s ridiculous, and it isn’t going to happen,” I said.
“Then release the video and pay Red,” she said. “You’ll be okay, Liam. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I’m so fucking glad you called me.”
“I love you more than… I don’t know, more than I love chocolate cake and thick cock,” I said.
Katie laughed. “Hopefully not at the same time.”
“Hell, I’d take both at the same time. Eating chocolate cake while getting railed? Sounds hot.”
“Ew, no it does not,” she protested.
“Don’t judge.”
“TMI!”
I sighed, cradling the phone. “I love you so much, Katie.”
“I love you, too. And you’re welcome to call me any time you’re sitting there craving a drink.”
“What were you doing before I called?” I asked.
“Nothing important,” she said breezily.
I sat up on the couch, a smile already on my face. “Bullshit. What were you doing?”
“I… may or may not have been sexting with a guy.”
“Katie!” I said. Bandit’s ears perked up. “You didn’t tell me you were talking with someone.”
Katie had always been too much of a perfectionist when it came to dating. No guy was ever good enough.
“It’s still a new thing,” she said. “But I did just receive a gorgeous shirtless pic. It’s kind of exciting.”
“Of course it is,” I said.
“So when I hang up I’m going to do a little photo shoot of my own,” she said.
“Now who’s talking TMI?” I asked, laughing.
“Shut up,” she said. “But yes. I needed to talk to you, too. I mean it when I say call me anytime.”
“I will, K,” I said.
We hung up, and when I looked down at my phone I saw that I’d gotten a message while I was talking with Katie.
>>Red: I had a lot of fun today. Sorry about the mix-up. You’re nothing short of incredible when you’re in Director Mode.
Just seeing Red’s name on my screen was enough to make my heart ache. I was seriously fucking doomed. I had loved Red back in the day, but something about being around him while sober was making my feelings even deeper. Like he was a part of my damn soul.
>>Liam: No problem. I’m glad it went well.
>>Red: And I think it’s going to make a ton of money, right? Why didn’t I get into porn sooner?
>>Liam: Because you’re too busy being an awesome small business owner, cowboy.
>>Red: Since when did we both become such responsible adults?
If only he knew just how lost I still felt.
For a few minutes, the happy haze of my conversation with Katie and the messages from Red still lingered with me. I felt empowered to go back to my computer and keep editing the video. I powered through, watching minutes and minutes of footage without feeling too shitty.
But then I got to a part in the video where Red said something that went straight to my heart.
“All for you.”
He sounded so fucking sincere when he said it, too. Like he was going to give me everything I wanted from him. And that’s when the sadness crept back inside me, making me jealous and crazy all at once.
I couldn’t release this.
There was no fucking way.
Adrenaline raced through me. I clenched my teeth as I reached for my phone, shooting off a text to Colin.
It wasn’t a good solution, but it was the only way I knew how to get money quickly to give to Red.
9
Red
I watched as Sam took a bleach rag and rubbed it all over the Big Rock Cock, making sure to show off his biceps in the process.
“Think this is all good?” he asked, turning back toward me.
“I think you stroked that thing clean a good two minutes ago,” I said.
“The Big Rock Cock has probably already come, had pillow talk, and fallen asleep by now,” Mitch joked, and Sam just winked at him.
“Hell, no,” Sam said. “Anybody who gets the treatment from me ain’t falling asleep afterward, I promise you that.”
The front door of the bar slammed closed and I looked to see Perry there, just arriving for his night shift.
