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She’s silent at first, and I fear she might refuse a visit. After making sure that I’m not in grave danger, she agrees. “Text me directions, I’ll be there in an hour.” Obviously, she heard something in my voice that changed her mind.
Nearly an hour later, when Dr. Neil arrives, I’m still in my pajamas. As I open the door, she quickly scans my body.
“I know this visit is against your rules, but I need your help.” I have to compose myself.
We get comfortable on the sofa. Dr. Neil stays silent, letting me talk.
“I want to have my life back. Genuinely, I don’t know how to do it. As soon as I think about it, I start to feel a tremendous fear. Sandra’s life drowns me in sorrow. But mostly, I’m afraid of you. You have the power to take away my hope. Once, it was done to me. Back then, I realized that by blocking the painful loss, I am able to withstand anything.” I tremble.
“Today, I could have hurt my babies. The ghosts from my past kept tugging at my heartstrings. I can’t refuse her yearning anymore.” I tuck my legs underneath me and recall the past.
“I remember the funeral and numbness that settled after I got over the shock. We had to wait all month for the burial to take place, as Sam had to recover from the accident. I couldn’t make myself care or acknowledge his pain, or accept that he was fighting his dark battle between life and death.” I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I remember feeling like there was nothing worth living for. I had no thoughts of suicide, but my soul found no reason for breathing.” Nightmares ruled my life, yearning so sharp it cut me and bled until I was empty and too weak to live.
“Ethan, baby, I’m here! Mommy is here. I’m coming, don’t be afraid! Nate, love, can you hear me? Say something!” I shout in horror.
Their cries increase. I hear Nate begging for me, in a strangled voice, “I am afraid, Mummy, I want to go home.”
I can’t reach them, no matter how fast I run.
“Pleeease!” I scream to whoever listens for the boon I know will never be granted. My firstborn lets out his last breath, and his eyes become glass orbs, looking into nowhere. I yearn to sing them for the last time and grace their small heads with a kiss of undying love.
“Eventually, I stop running, hating myself for being a weak human being.” I hiccup and shiver, desperation in my voice. “My family started to panic, seeing my isolation, numbness, and violent rage. They were beside themselves. Honestly, I had no will or strength to organize a funeral, or to deal with Sam’s recovery.”
I regain my poise to tell the last part that scares me the most. “They forced me down to the ground. I screamed, wailed like a trapped animal. ‘Please, don’t do it!’ I’d begged them. I called out to my husband, Sam. His hand brushed my face, crying, but not relenting.
“I watched my mum drug me as my dad held me down. I became compliant, helpless. My sisters helped, and Sam let them do it. It broke something in me. I felt resentful, outraged, and their betrayal burned me until the hate turned into rage.” My hand covers the screams trying to erupt.
“That’s ok, Cassandra, just breathe long and deep through your nose and let it out through your mouth. You are doing amazing. You are safe. Keep going, and let it out,” she encourages me.
“Defenseless to do what you want to is the most terrifying thing I ever experienced. They were touching me. I couldn’t tell them not to. They bound me during the nights, and I felt powerless. It further enraged me.” The horrifying memory scares me even now.
“I learned pretty quickly to close off my emotions, keep them in hiding. The indifference settled over me by the time the psychiatrist started the therapy. Then, a sharp clarity came over me.” I pause. “I had to make everyone believe that it worked. So, I did. I hid the suffering mother from their perusal. Kept her pain locked in the darkness.”
I rub at my chest. “Shortly, I noticed the deceits allowed me to take control of my imprisonment. I felt invincible. With those qualities, I was manipulating them, as long as I didn’t let myself connect with Sandra’s pain.”
“How and when did the panic attacks start?” Dr. Neil asks me patiently, but I am not able to give her timeline for their manifestation.
“For a while, I didn’t understand that my growing anxieties would lead me to lose control. I tried harder to put on a façade that worked to maintain quiet. But with every power comes a price, and mine was anxiety attacks that came with the tremendous fear of breaking my control apart.”
Sandra is my prisoner who is not allowed to feel, and love, and remember. I was never meant to be her torturer. Emotionally spent, I grow silent, tears stream down my face. I am finally numb.
That’s how Logan finds us when he comes for late breakfast. I stare in fascination at Logan’s alarmed expression. Concerned, he dashes over to pull me into his arms. I listen to his frantic heartbeat, and a tiny smile tugs the corners of my lips. Mr. Control Freak is worried. I stare at him, craving to be held.
The masculine scent makes me desire things I can’t have. Logan’s embrace is soothing my stripped soul. As he draws me into him, placing his forehead on mine in relief, I am overcome with the need to touch him.
Dr. Neil clears her throat. “Well, I should go. Ms. Knight, please make your next appointment in five days, as you still need to process everything. I truly believe you made a big step forward today,” she confirms.
Standing in the middle of the room, my chest feels lighter. Something shifted in me today. Lost in my thoughts, I don’t notice Logan is still beside me until his hand wraps around me from behind, gripping my waist. Warm lips find my pulse.
He has no idea that today our fierce fighters saved us.
Chapter 15
Kiss of the Night
~L
